FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
by Chick Ribbons
In response to former FBI official Mark Felt's announcement earlier this week that he was the infamous Watergate whistleblower known as Deep Throat, former website host and sea captain, Cap'n Shifty, has decided to make an announcement of his own.
"I planned to take this secret with me to a watery grave, I did," Shifty said before a roomfull of reporters gathered at the Port Clyde Main Location of his Cap'n Shifty's Lobster Bowl Restaurant/Bowling Alley. "But recent lies reported in the media have forced me to come forward. I was the secret source for Woodward and Bernstein's Washington Post stories about Watergate. I am the man known as Deep Throat."
Cap'n Shifty is a best known in American popular culture as a mascot for several failed business ventures, such as Cap'n Shifty's Bottled Salt Water and Cap'n Shifty's Swordfish Lawn Darts. Shifty also hosted the now-defunct website Cap'n Shifty's Boatload of Spite and briefly replaced Cap'n Wacky as the host of capnwacky.com after a clever election/scam in 2000.
Reporters shouted to be heard over the near-constant banging of bowlers, their fingers slippery with lobster juices, dropping bowling balls onto the hardwood floor. One asked how Shifty, never a Washington insider, would've possessed the information Deep Throat gave to the reporters.
"Nixon was a personal friend of mine," Shifty responded. "We had a regular poker game on Tuesday nights with Lex Luthor, Ernst Blofeld, and Cruella De Vil. Let me tell you, after a couple of Blue Kiwi Spritzers were in him, Old Tricky Dick would get a little blabby."
When asked why he turned on his friend, Shifty grew visibly upset.
"He turned on me first, he did!" Shifty said. "Amalgated Humor was in trouble at the time over some issues with their Cap'n Wacky's Shark-Flavored Tuna Bites, seems some shark's teeth were mixed in with the tuna. Well, the company president at the time, Heinrich Flimminhoffer, started pouring money into the Nixon Administration to make the problem go away. Next thing I know, I'm not being invited to poker night anymore, and guess who is!"
The gathered reporters declined to guess.
"My arch-enemy!" shouted Shifty, then when no one seemed to know who he meant, added, "Cap'n Wacky!"
Providing a segue, reporters asked what he did next.
"Well, next I was approached by Woody and The Burn - oh, that's what I call Woodward and Bernstein - and they wanted to know what if I knew anything about Watergate. Well, I did and I spilled on the condition that I remain anonymous. I didn't want Nixon gunning for me. You might not know it to look at him, but Nixon was one tough SOB. Physically, I mean. I once saw him crush the larynx of one of Blofeld's underlings with his thigh muscles just for forgetting to put the umbrella in his Watermelon Daqueri."
"But now that Nixon is dead, I can tell it all," said Shifty. "Also he was sleeping with Cruella De Vil. I didn't want to even tell Woody and the Burns that while she was alive. I tell you, if that woman doesn't scare you, no evil thing will."
When asked how he liked Hal Holbrook's portrayal of him in the movie "All The President's Men," Shifty responded, "Well, obviously I'm a much better-looking man than Hal. Also, a boring old trech-coat is hardly the same as a shiny yellow rain slicker. I liked him better on Designing Women, anyway."
When reached via telephone and asked why he had corroborated Felt's story, Bob Woodward said, "Oh yeah, it WAS Cap'n Shifty! Man, after so many years of declining to name who Deep Throat was, I'll be honest with you, I forgot who it really was! When Felt announced it was him, I just went along with it and hoped nobody would know the difference."
Current Amalgamted Humor Co-President Brodie H. Brockie was contacted for comment about his company having bribed the Nixon administration. "Hey, that was way before my time," Brockie said. "I'm only 23!"
Reporters pointed out to Brockie that he is, in fact, 32.
"Oh yeah, I always get that backwards," said Brockie. "Still, I was just a baby at the time. Look, if I give you a hundred bucks will you just drop this bribery story?"
Shifty said he was relieved to finally reveal the truth.
"I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me, I do," he said. "Now I can stop worrying about this secret and get back to my main interest: making Cap'n Wacky's life a living Hell."