FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
By Al Vardo
ANN ARBOR, MI- Before an assembled crowd of employees and media representatives, officials of Amalgamated Humor, Inc., producers of novelty goods and the wildly popular online humor resource Cap'n Wacky's Boatload of Fun (http://www.capnwacky.com) unveiled a memorial to employees who had been killed on the job.
The ceremony was started by Amalgamated Humor VP of PR Gary Newbrunswick, who explained that company co-presidents R.J. White and Brodie H. Brockie would be unable to attend due of previous engagements and advice from legal counsel regarding several pending OSHA hearings and lawsuits filed by families of past employees.
"Though they would have given anything to be here," said Newbrunswick, "our attorneys fear it could be seen as an admission of guilt in several pending matters."
A memorial reading by company chaplain Rev. Timothy O'Malley came next, offering words of encouragement to the families of those who had passed.
"From those who gave their lives in the great Johnson-Smith war in the 1950s, to the recent loss of some truly great co-workers, nay, friends in the Robot Kitty Incident of 2001, employees of this company have always faced their maker with dignity and great aplomb," he said. "May god have mercy on the souls of those inevitably to follow."
Then followed a reading of the names of the several hundred Amalgamated Humor employees who have died on the job in the humor manufacturer's seventy-plus year history, each followed by a bleat from a ceremonial whoopie cushion.
Two hours later, when the roll of the deceased had been read, the memorial was finally unveiled, a granite statue of Amalgamated Humor's mascot, Cap'n Wacky, with the phrase "S'long Folks! Visit www.capnwacky.com" engraved at the base.
Moments after the tarp was pulled off the granite statue, the two ton memorial wobbled briefly before falling over and crushing shipping clerk Regina Elkins who had been chosen for the honor due to surviving 35 years with the company.
A few words of thanks from local funeral director Henry Collins ended the ceremony.
"I want to thank you for making this the best place on earth to work for someone in my profession," said the tall, thin black-suited man. "Keep up the good work!"