Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE
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Meet Zonar
Name: Zonar Race: Superion Home Planet: Superion Flesh: Green Eyes: Bulging and orange Teeth: Pointy Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific. Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys." Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head. Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything. Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello" Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing. |
Dearest Zonar,
We have a quandary. Being such up-and-coming stars we have landed roles in the newest Star Wars film. Since our acting abilities are in high demand we do not want to risk the chance to receive better roles. Such as "Two Hungry People Meet Brodie H. Brockie and R.J. BLACK (Mark). Which one should we choose??? We are affeered that if we choose to do Star Wars then Georgie Lucas will be after us for all eternity to do his never-ending sequels. Please give us your expert advice!
Possibly Yours,
Judy and MICKEY
Dear Judith and Michael,
But really, what better roles could there be than in one of those Star Wars capers? Why, you could be on the verge of embarking on such a stellar (pun certainly intended) career as luminaries like Mark Hamill, Billy "Colt 45" D. Williams, Peter Mayhew, or Jack Purvis.
Unfortunately for you, the "Two Hungry Guys Series" is long out of production. Burt "Stubby" MacInerny died over 20 years ago, penniless and unloved and, ironically, truly quite hungry. Harry "Harry" Harrison is, incredibly, still alive, but not looking for a new comedy partner as he is currently residing in an assisted living facility in Burbank, CA and is no longer capable of mastering intricate comedy routines (nor, for that matter, his own bowels).
Perhaps you would like to read my screenplay. The Divine Miss Angela Lansbury is slated to play the sensual leading lady once it FINALLY goes into production, but perhaps you could play her personal nurse and the man who shines up her 75 pairs of shoes. It's called "Angela Lansbury and Zonar the Superion Have a Torrid Love Affair and Insult Lots of Humans."
Sincerely,
Zonar the Superion
Dear Zonar........I've been divorced for over two years now and I'm ready to find a new mate. The problem is, I'm not a very social person. I try talking to some of the single women at work but most of them are much younger then me and wouldn't consider dating a middle age man. Can you give me suggestion for finding my one true love??
Lance
Dear Sir Lancenotsomuch
Have you considered the possibility of a mail-order mate? The pink-skinned moon maidens of Hoponpop 6 are surprisingly affordable for being beautiful creatures thoroughly trained in the arts of sensual pleasure. Of course, they're wild mating habits would certainly result in your death, but there are worse ways to go (in fact, I do not believe there is a better way to go).
But if death by sex isn't your cup of tea (prude), perhaps you could try mating with a retail mannequin. Human behavior research I recently made by watching Comedy Central at 4 a.m. indicates this would bring the mannequin to (sexy) life.
good luck,
Zonar the Superion
Hey Zonar what it is??? I've written you several times in the last month and you hav'nt aswered one of my querries. Whats up with that?? If your so superior how come you don't keep up with your mail?? With all the time you save by not pooping or peeing I belive you should have sufficiant time to answer fan mail and questions. This will be the last missive I send until I get a response!!
Kev the Inferion
Kevin,
Oooh, what a threat! I'm so dismayed that I may not receive yet another desperate plea for my free advice from Kevvy-poo! How shall I endure my daily toils without his whining and mewling and cries for help?
You seem to be under the impression that I do nothing else with my life but answer the silly questions I get via this website. Indeed! as if that would be the sum-total output of such a remarkable intellect as I!
Bah!
No Kev, Zonar does much more than that! In addition to my extensive studies of human biology and behavior, I also have my screenplay to work on (see above), the impending Superion invasion of Earth to plan for (eventually see above), fan letters to write to a certain Miss L., truffle hunting, and the macrame class I teach at a local community college.
If you want my advice, and clearly you long for it, perhaps you could learn a thing or seven from our next letter writer.
busy,
Zonar the Superion
I love the way you write your advice
You foil clothing is very nice
I love the way your eyes bulge out
Your body is a sexy cucumber sprout
I love the way you don't go to the loo
That's the main reason I fell in love with you
Most men burp, fart, and watch football
And as for the housework, I do it all
But with you, I know the house would be clean
You don't drink beer, so you'll always be lean
You have always turned me on
Zonar, you're my favorite Superion.
-The Viper
Ah, Viper. This is most intelligent letter I've ever received here. Obviously, you're not a human, my dear. I think this letter needs no more reply from me. It speaks for itself!
pleased,
Zonar the Superion
|March 1, 2002|
Dear Mr. Zonar,
Though you are a foul-mouthed beast, I believe that deep down inside, there is good in you. That is why I feel confident that you can help me.
I am addicted to advice columns. I love reading the heartbreaking questions and the down-to-earth slap in the face replies. I can't get enough of it! I have no other vices so if I could just get rid of this one, I'd be a perfect human being. Do you have any helpful suggestions for me?
Many thanks,
Abigail Landers
Dear Miss Landers,
You have asked for helpful suggestions and Zonar shall provide in easy-to-use numerized form:
1. Stop believing there is good in me.
2. Stop hoping to become "a perfect human being" - that's a rather sad oxymoron.
3. "Landers" is a rather obvious pseudonym to pick when one is an alien in disguise. Change it.
4. Don't stop reading advice columns, instead wean yourself down to just one. The best, and only one worth reading. I'll let you decide which.
5. No, I won't! It's mine, Zonar the Superion's!
6. Surrender your will to mine.
7. Enjoy a little time out for yourself this weekend. Make yourself a picnic lunch of a few of your favorite delectables and steal away to a place where you can be truly comforable and relaxed. Once there, indulge yourself in quiet, relaxed solitude. For a little while, put thoughts of responsibility and the day's petty annoyances behind you. When you return to you tasks, you will find yourself re-energized and previous irritants will be put into their proper tiny perspective.
8. Stop being such a cry-baby toilet monkey.
yours,
Zonar the Superion
Looking for past Zonar columns? CLICK HERE
Or, special Grove, Oklahoma edition CLICK HERE
Or, special Valentine's edition CLICK HERE
Want Zonar to answer your question? E-mail it to zonar@capnwacky.com