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Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Meet Zonar

Name: Zonar

Race: Superion

Home Planet: Superion

Flesh: Green

Eyes: Bulging and orange

Teeth: Pointy

Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific.

Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys."

Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head.

Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything.

Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello"

Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing.

|February 1, 2002|
Howdy Zoner,

I was a-wonderin' as I sat a-chewin' my corn on ma pile o'hay, while me old dawg Piffy was a-chokin' on flies:
why are you a-wearin' a hat all year round? If you don't have no feet or hands, how do ya move about? Do ya go a-bouncin' on ya hat? Are ya flammable? What if you was a-bouncin' through a pit o'flames? Would ya be a-meltin' an' a-burnin'?

Piffy says he'd like ya to get a-rid o' his mange, his fur's a-fallin out in clumps. Aw shit, there goes another bit.

Bye bye now,
Mr A Vesty

Dear Mr. Stereotypical Hillbilly Person,

First of all, that is not a hat. That lice-ridden tangle of hay on top of your head is a hat. What I am wearing is the traditional Superion Mental-Ray Focusing Helmet. This helmet is used to allow the Superion to effortlessly focus the full, migraine-inducing effect of his or her mental rays on the specific individual or individuals deserving of brain pain. If I should ever have the misfortune of meeting you, Mr. Vesty, I promise to give you a demonstration.

As with many other creatures throughout the universe, I can move about very effectively with neither feet nor hands. This really should not come as a surprise to an individual who is capable of writing a letter even though he has no brain.

Now, get thee back to thine moonshine.

Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,
I have been living in my parent's basement few years zealously maintaining my site dedicated to Transformers (Series 1, of course) when my mother told me it was time for me to do something more meaningful than, "hiding out in the bottom of the house writing about toys". Of course I was upset at this observation and I immediately discussed it in serveral chat rooms, and after much debate I decided that the only way to silence my mother's mockery was to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Unfortunately my Tercel's in the shop and my Mom refused to help in my conquest of man, so I was wondering, can I get a ride from you?

Dear Loser,

I have always considered all humans to be a complete waste of genetic material, and while you have not changed my opinion, you have at least shown me that there are degrees of human uselessness. It seems like whenever I believe I have seen the lowest, most pathetic example of humanity, another one of you toilet monkeys emerge from your outhouses long enough to show me that there's always someone worse.

Some beings are moved to greatness by a desire for power. Others strive to do great things for love. Some, such as I, simply have an innate greatness within them that they could not squelch even if they wished. You sir, if I understand, are going to try to do something great for the first time in your life to impress your mother.

What should I expect from a poop-machine who has devoted his creative energies toward praising a show in which one of the most fearsome villains would disguise himself as a radio and a little panther would transform into a cassette tape to hide in his chest. These were advanced robot life forms and they hadn't even invented CDs yet?

I know all of you humans are forced by your biology to defecate, but if I understand correctly your body expels only waste products. What, I wonder, could be left after you poo?

There, I have taken you for a ride. Hope it was what you wanted.

more than meets the eye,
Zonar the Superion

|January 11, 2002|

Nom sum pisces, Magister Mundi sum! Sentio aliquos togas contra me conspirare. Raptus reglaliter. Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. Nhiki est, in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui. Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. Quantum materiae materietur mormota monax si mormota monax materiam possit materiari?

Vescere bracis mris! Te andire no possim. Musa sapientum.

Latin Slut

P.S. Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules, quam acinus!

Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that I was speaking Latin, sometimes it just slips out! Anyway let me translate....


I am not a fish, I am the Master of the Universe. I think some people in togas are plotting a against me, I am royally screwed, help! You know, the Romans invented the art of love, and that's nothing, in another life i was a Roman Emperor. I have a catapult. Give me all of your money, or i will fling an enormous rock on your head. I have one question, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Eat my shorts.

I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Latin Slut

P.S. If I were you I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults, you smell like ass!

Dear Slut,

Allow me to respond in my native Superion:

K'laaaaaawaakkn tshuuuuunaala crrrrrrrrrrrimtingle.

Translation: You are an idiot.

multi-lingually yours,
Zonar the Superion

Hey, Zonar! You're always acting so high and mighty, but don't forget that your mother was a HOOKER.

You make me sick, you green plastic fool.

Matthew Garth Vermeulan


I see nothing to be ashamed of here. The skillful act of placing bait on hooks is a time-honored profession on Superion. My grandfather was a master at it.

Zonar the Superion

Hey there Zonar!!! I need your help please. Some guy from VA fell in love with me over the internet and i don't know how to break it to him that I am in love with someone from CT. Do you have any suggestions on how to let my cross-country Romeo down gently? Thanx!!!

---The Second Sister of the Moon---

Dear Sister,

I assume that when you say "VA" you are refering to Aplha Centauri VA-3 as that is the only planet in that system known to have any lifeforms. The creatures that live there, however, should not be let down gently. To them, pity is as Kryptonite is to a Kryptonian in a yellow-sun system. Attempting to treat this Romeo character gently would surely drive him mad. The cleanest way to sever this relationship is to do it according to the customs of his homeword: break both of his knee-caps with a two-by-four and then force him to watch the entire run of "Small Wonder." Certainly, this seems barbaric, but simple heartache will be nothing after he endures this.

Also, what sort of relationship are you hoping for with a slug from CT-7? Don't they sweat acid?

Zonar the Superion

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