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Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Meet Zonar

Name: Zonar

Race: Superion

Home Planet: Superion

Flesh: Green

Eyes: Bulging and orange

Teeth: Pointy

Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific.

Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys."

Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head.

Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything.

Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello"

Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing.

Dearest Zonar,
I am sure that you know of R.J. White. Well, my problem is that every time I see him I have the urge to yell "MARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". The reason for this is because he looks uncannily similar the character Mark from Rent. What should i do? Is yelling "Mark" the way to go?

See what i mean!?

Mark from Rent

R.J. from Cap'n Wacky

Lo D

Lo D,

Yes, I implore you to shout out "Mark!" every time you see Mr. White. There is nothing the ever-jovial co-president of Amalgamated Humor loves more that being compared to someone who wears similar glasses to his.

Some other options:

Drew Carey

Elvis Costello

R.J.'s evil twin, J.R. Black.

Please use these names when talking to Mr. White, or find your own.

That'll teach the little bugger for not approving my expense account.

vengefully yours,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

I have read in a recent post you signed your name like so: "waiting for by Pulitzer" Zonar the Superion. How is that coming? Have you recieved it in the mail yet? Also, I DO NOT appreciate you giving the child stars the Olsen twins so much credit as to refer to them as "urine".

"other words for pee:
wee wee
Mountain Dew
human juice
old yeller
the Olsen twins"

They are of a lower kind. i.e) stuff that comes up the throat.

Your friend,
Mickey Rooney

Little Mickey,

I know it must be difficult to watch the child stars of today ever rising as your own star fades slowly in the twilight. Particularly it must be difficult to see those twin demons named Olsen growing ever more attractive as you yourself continue to resemble nothing more than some sort of melting flesh monster with each passing day.

Remember this, though. The Olsen twins had to grow up around Dave Coulier whilst you got to star in "National Velvet" with the delicious Miss Angela Lansbury. Clearly, you win.

all things in perspective,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar

I hate my job...I mean realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly hate my job.. My work is boring, my team lead is a yessman and my boss is in some kind of temperal distortion that makes him think this is the 50's and he can make our lives hell. Please help....


at least tell me how to dampen the temperal distortion...:)


Oh, John. Sometimes Zonar forgets how little you humans understand. To reverse the temporal distortion, all you have to do is reverse the polarity. Watch a few episodes of your "Star Trek" and you will find this works for lots of things.

As for your team lead, I'll assume you mean a Yessman from the planet Kizzup. These can be tricky creatures to deal with. The best course is to forge notes from your time-warping boss that imply doubts about the Yessman's ability and leave them places for him to find. If that doesn't send him to the looney-bin, slip some lemon juice into his coffee. The Yessmanian physiology cannot process this and his bodily fluids will, in short order, burst forth from every orifice.

Zonar the Superion

|October 26, 2001|
help, zonar

my teacher hates my guts. she always gives me really bad grades, even when i deserve better. this is not just a problem with me, either. she treats my friends like pieces of filthy feces, but we are good people. this certain teacher has rightfully earned the nickname "hitler", because it is what she is!!! our class considered burning her at the stake, but we decided that that certain solution would only cause more problems. what should we do?



Well, I treat humans like filthy feces too, whether they're "good people" (a possible oxymoron) or not. Is it possible your teacher is a female Superion? If so, is she young or has she passed the age of T'hecnazar? If young, please send Zonar a photo.

Obviously, your teacher has no legitimate reason to give you bad grades. Is she being overly picky about silly grammatical rules like starting sentences with capital letters, using three exclamation points when one should suffice, or cutesy misspelling of "thanks?"

Oh, poor you! All you've done is disregard some of the most basic aspects of your barbaric language! Now you are being picked-on by this evil woman as she attempts to guide you down a path of clearer communication skills so you'll have a richer life! What a harpy!

Good luck, crybaby.

yer wilcum,
Zonar the Superion

Hello, Zonar. I have a question for you: How do your mental rays work? How did you get them? Do all Superions have them? How can I get them? Thanks for your help!

Marge Pflottey

Dear Mrs. Phoneyname,

That's four questions.

count on me,
Zonar the Superion

i am advertising rakes. would you like a rake? i can perhaps arrange a free sample if you reply to this letter.
what kind of rake do you like? i am thinking a big metal evil rake with many sharp prongs would be most suited to your personality. correct me if i am wrong.
my second question:
are you in fact a rake?
you really look like one that i sold last year to some internet freak.

jackie , benjy and co

Dear two people and co,

I am advertising glasses. Would you like some glasses? I can perhaps arrange for an expensive pair if you read this letter.

What kind of glasses would you like? I am thinking a pair with lenses formed in such a manner to correct your vision so much that you could tell objects apart that look entirely different.

As a gesture of goodwill toward this possible exchange, I am sending you, in advance, a strong supply of mental rays. If your head doesn't explode, please try the spectacles.

Zonar the Superion

P.S.: So have ALL humans decided to stop capitalizing? Is there a shortage of shift keys? What's going on here?

|October 12, 2001|
Hey Zonar,

I need your advice on somethin', man. I just lost my job at a 24 hour newschannel and the only reason why I ever really went in anyways was because of this hot security guard chick who greeted me every morning. Now that I no longer work in the building I'm trying to brainstorm excuses for me to go back to the building and try to hit on the aforementioned chica.

You got any suggestions?

Forever your servant,
Jesse Ball

Dear Jesse Ball,

Leave it to a human to not know how to get the attention of a security guard. Ask yourself this: why is she there? Answer: To pay attention to people who come in. She is also meant to pay particular attention to people who she suspects may be trouble makers.

So here is what you do: go into the building under the pretense of picking up some personal items you left behind before your obviously-deserved dismissal. Instead, attempt to steal a computer by poorly hiding it under your cloth torso covering. When she spots your lame attempt at thievery, resist her orders to submit peacefully. Next thing you know, baby is paying very close attention indeed and possibly even making physical contact!

If that doesn't work, at least you'll have a new computer and can make another attempt as a singing, stripping telegram. Good luck, poop machine!

Zonar the Superion

|August 10, 2001|
Dear Zonar,

I announced the name of my next movie this week. It's Star Wars: Episode Two: Attack of the Clones. I think it's swell, but no one else seems to care for it much. Can you think of any better names I could change it to?

George Lucas

Dear Georgie,

A much harder question would be can I think of a worse title. Still, it's hard to believe that the man who named such characters as Porkins (a fat guy), Solo (a loner), and Biggs (a guy with a porn star mustache) would ever have any trouble coming up with a name. Still, here's my list of suggestions:

Star Wars: Episode Two: Oh No! Monkeys!
Star Wars: Episode Two: The Mystery Breakfast
Star Wars: Episode Two: Crash of the iMac
Star Wars: Episode Two: Attack of the Stem-Cell Researchers
Star Wars: Episode Two: Tarnishing the Franchise
Star Wars: Episode Two: The Superions Strike Back
Star Wars: Episode Two: We Gots Ro-Bots!
Star Wars: Episode Two: Jar Jar Dance Party
Star Wars: Episode Two: I Thought Someone Was Going To Help Him Write This One
Star Wars: Episode Two: Return of the Goddamn Ewoks
Star Wars: Episode Two: Bathroom Break
Star Wars: Episode Two: Midget-Fetish Mania
Star Wars: Episode Two: For This We Don't Get Indy 4?
Star Wars: Episode Two: Clone This

Hope this helped. Also, please note that we're all aware the only thing that distinguishes your face from your neck is that hideous beard. Rick McCallum may be too much of a brown-noser to tell you this, but Zonar is not. Hit the gym, Jabba.

tough love,
Zonar the Superion

P.S.: Please remember I am available for a part in Episode Three. You never call.

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