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Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Meet Zonar

Name: Zonar

Race: Superion

Home Planet: Superion

Flesh: Green

Eyes: Bulging and orange

Teeth: Pointy

Ingests: He says he just eats "atoms," and won't get more specific.

Interesting biological function: 100% efficient, the Superion body makes no waste products. This is something Zonar goes on about all the time, calling "lesser" beings "poop machines" or sometimes "toilet monkeys."

Interesting biological function #2: Zonar claims to be able to emit devistatingly painful mental rays from the top of his head.

Favorite TV show: Zonar says that television is beneath him, but we've spotted him watching "Murder, She Wrote" lots of times. At the end, he always shouts out "Ah HA! Just as I suspected!" but only after Angela Lansbury explains everything.

Previous employment: Space Cleansifying Engineer and Coordinator (spaceship janitor), playing Iago in the 1998 Royal Shakespeare production of "Othello"

Hobbies: Studying human biology, quilting, plotting intergalactic conquests, line dancing.

Hello, humans. 'Tis I, Zonar the Superion, letting my opinions sally forth to you without the silly pretense of answering one of your desperate pleas for my guidance.

Some of you may have noticed the frequency of my columns has been diminishing of late here on the appallingly mis-named "Boatload of Fun" (mere humans would have a hard time coming up with a name that was a poorer fit for a website. Zonar, however, with his superior Superion brain can do so on purpose. An example: a website devoted to religious enlightenment named "Remorseless Puppy Rapers United" or a Rosie O'Donnel fansite named "Photos of a Celebrity Who Will Not Make You Want to Vomit"). What is the reason for offering my grand assistance to you less often? Merely this: I hate you.

That's right. I hate all of you. My initial reaction upon arriving on Earth was utter, horrific revulsion at the lot of you toilet-monkeys, but I had hoped that feeling might fade. I have heard that you humans sometimes encounter things you don't like, but later learn to tolerate and sometimes even enjoy them (examples: extreme temperatures, ingesting plant-based foodstuffs, Bryan Adam's singing). Perhaps, thought I, in time I may grow indifferent - or even fond of these filthy little excrement factories.

I have not.

If I am wrong, an you urine-spouts do have a trace of intelligence, you will understand why when I get a letter like this one:

I need to know if u like to look at porn.....also do u enjoy the female body?


I find it hard to care less without the assistance of drugs.

I am starting to think that the time has come at last for Zonar to call down the wrath of the Superion Invasion Force to Earth. Should I signal to the Superion home world to send out the troops to enslave, torture, and berate the fashion choices of the human race? If you say nay, e-mail me at sparehumanity@capnwacky.com. Whoever gives the best reason why I should spare humanity will win their choice of merchandise from the Zonar store. You have until June 14 to convince me. Good luck, fools!

Agh! Now Zonar has seen the preview for the L'il Bow Wow movie! Your task just became that much harder.

best of luck,
Zonar the Superion

Looking for past Zonar columns? CLICK HERE
Or, special Grove, Oklahoma edition CLICK HERE
Or, special Valentine's edition CLICK HERE

Want Zonar to answer your question? E-mail it to zonar@capnwacky.com