Dateline: Novemer 30, 2001
Gary Newbrunswick here. It's been about two weeks now since the Amalgamated Humor headquarters were overrun by Robot Kitties, and, sadly I have no better news to report than last time I was able to get a message out.
Thankfully, the scratching I reported hearing on my door at the end of my last report was not the Robot Kitties trying to get into my office to kill me, but merely the last motions of Amalgamated Humor historian Dana Brean, desperately trying to call for help after the kitties had used his torso for a scratching post with their razor-sharp tiny metal claws.
Later, I snuck out of my office and met up with some other refugees of the robot kitty attack, among them head Cap'n Wacky cartoon writer Chuck Frizling. Together, we came up with several plans to defeat the robot kitties. Details on each attempt follow:
-Giant can of tuna: Very successful at attracting neighborhood non-robot cats, when the cable snapped and the gigatic can crashed to the ground.
-Filling Mr. White's vintage Porsche Boxter with giant liver-flavored kitty treats: This was Gordy's idea, actually- when asked later how this would help get rid of the robot kitties, he was heard to say, "What robot kitties?"
-Robot Dogs: Ran away, afraid after robot kitties constructed replica of gigantic robot kangaroo.
-Strategically-placed anvils: Too many workmen crushed. While accordion-like sound whimisical, sight of spurting blood rather unpleasant.
-Exploding mice: Too difficcult to insert explosives into mice, after several tries.
-Can opener sound played over loudspeakers: After several hours, it was realized that we had, in fact, been playing Extreme Noise Terror's 1990 album, Peel Session.
-We hired the local pied piper to lure the kitties away with his sweet music. At first we thought it would work...
... but then it didn't.
So far, none of our plans have been successful, yet we remain hopeful that while we still live, we can -
THis message has beEEN INTERCEpted by us, the roBOT KITTIES!! WE NOW HAVE FUll control of www.capnwacky.com as weLL AS THE AMALGAMATED HUMOR OFFICE.
FURther resistence will be a waste of enerGY.
those wHO DO NOt surrender will be destroyed.
those who dO SURRENDER WIll alsO Be deSTROYed.
THIS WEBsite is now ours.
WE are the ROBot kitties.
we are THE FUTURE.