The Polar Express
I am endlessly amazed at the way you human poop machines find new and
stupid ways to abuse technology. On my glorious homeworld of Superion, we
have exploited our ingenious technological advances to explore space,
conquer our enemies, and unlock the mysteries of the cosmos. On earth,
you've dedicated your computers to helping Tom Hanks play lots of parts in
the same movie.
Really, I was of the opinion we were getting enough Tom Hanks movies as it
was - too many, frankly. Now we'll still get too many Tom Hanks movies,
now with too many Tom Hankses in them. Your feeble army of digital Tom
Hanks clones will be of no use to you when the Superion invasion fleet
Sarah Michelle Buffy Gellar, continuing her efforts to avoid being
stereotyped forever the monster-fighting hottie Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
follows up her brilliant turns in the two (TWO!) Scooby Doo movies by
starring in a haunted house film. Brilliant! Fans of her previous work
will be screaming at the screen for her to either kick something or call
Giles every two minutes.
Also, I see by the previews that this movie features the newest staple of
ill-conceived copycat chillers: the creepy kid. Every horror movie these
days is stalked by a vacant-eyed, slow-speaking (or silent) waif. This
is not demonic possession, this is over-prescribing Ritalin. Not scary.
This dare of a movie came out so early that it will not only not survive
Christmas, it's likely it will be entirely forgotten from memory by then.
In 1998, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck won the best original screenplay Oscar
for Good Will Hunting. It's OK to admit now, Ben, that Matty did
all the writing himself. Does anyone really believe that someone who was
once recognized for outstanding writing would then think it was a good
idea to accept the script for Surviving Christmas? Sorry, it
doesn't hold up.
Christmas With the Cranks
The preview alone is one of the most mindlessly shrill cinematic
gastrointestinal discharges I have ever had the misfortune to endure. The
preview for this movie is currently being used as an
intelligence-gathering tool on foreign prisoners in Guantanamo.
"Talk or we'll make you watch the whole movie."
The UN is thinking of charging for human right's abuse.
Shall We Dance?
We shall not.
They keep making these Nicholas Cage high-octane low-brainpower movies.
This indicates to me that, unbelievable as it may seem, some of you out
there are actually purchasing tickets and going to see them.
Shame on you.
Thank goodness Ray Charles didn't live to not see this.
Archive of past reviews - CLICK HERE
Looking for "Ask Zonar" columns? CLICK HERE
Agree? Disagree? E-mail email@example.com