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The James Bond series is starting over again with this installment and
it's sixth actor in the leading role. This time, Bond is blond, which is
freaking out fans of the series which is pretty surprising. Let me
clarify: I'm not surprised that overzealous devotees are going to give
themselves ulcers over a mild cosmetic alteration of a fictional
character, I'm just surprised there are any Bond fans left after the
series' last several installments.
Rapper P. Diddy has already said that he hopes to be the first black James
Bond, and fans fear these changes will only lead to more variations: woman
Bond, gay Bond, Siamese twins Bonds, Robo Bond, German Shepard Bond,
Superion Bond, Lego Bond, Gold Bond Medicated Powder, Spider-Man Bond,
Mer-Bond, FrankenBond, and French Bond. But hey, as long as Bond hates
women and blows up a lot of crap, he's still Bond, though. Endure it.
THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE
On some level, you have to almost admire their tenacity, don't you?
They're going to keep trying to make these things until one of them
doesn't turn out staler than last year's joke about how some other joke is
staler than the year before's fruitcake. Or until one doesn't make a
dollar, I suppose.
This time around, star Tim Allen is joined by Martin Short, because that's
reeeally going to help. I read that there's a 25-minute segment in the
middle of the film of the two stars taking turns wordless mugging to the
camera, back and forth in self-delighting smiles and winks. I know
Christmas time and ham are said to go together, but let's leave some room
for dessert, boys.
A quick CGI-cash in on the popularity of last years "March of the
Penguins" that takes out all the sad bits, facts, and educational value
and replaces them with Robin goddamn Williams voice acting. You can
imagine the "creative" meeting in which this movie was birthed taking
place in about five seconds. Imagine the following exchange with everyone
talking as quickly as possible:
MOVIE EXEC 1: People love this penguin movie! How can we cash in?
MOVIE EXEC 2: Make computer animated penguin movie!
MOVIE EXEC 1: Who's the first person you can think of who can do voices?
MOVIE EXEC 2: Robin Williams!
MOVIE EXEC 1: Good! Make it! GO GO GO!
The makers of Wallace and Gromit put away their Play-Doh in favor of
computer animation, trading the home-made charm of their previous efforts
for the cold dead machine. Meanwhile, though, they still give their
characters the same faces and expression limitations they always have, so
they can't actually take full-advantage of the new media. In other words,
the worst of both worlds.
Also, it's about mice going down the toilet, so I'm pretty sure the class factor is very high.
MAN OF THE YEAR
Hey, it's Robin Williams again, this time starring as a comedian running
for President. Judging by the previews, this cutting-edge political
satire finds the majority of it's laffs spinning off quotes from the
Clinton administration. Hopefully they also manage to squeeze in a couple
of jabs at Gerald Ford and Grover Cleveland into the mix too, because
those guys are really ripe for it.
Now with three-times the sawing!
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