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Listen, humans: Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Danny Elfman are just going to keep making this movie over and over again until you STOP going to see it. Just watch your DVD of Ed Wood presents The Legend of the Sleepy Nightmare Before Scissorhands and spare the rest of us, OK?

Actually, just see my review of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory from earlier this year and repeat.

On the upside, this gives the sad sacks at Detroit's City Club an entirely new roster of characters with which to festoon their ridiculous goth kiddiehouse.


...that is, if heaven is a cloying romantic comedy that tries to hide its simplistic political agenda behind it's dimpled starlet and rumpled, unthreatening leading man. If that's just like Heaven, someone call Satan and book my reservation for the afterlife, please. Thank you.


All the slow-motion shots of Jessica Alba swimming while wearing a bikini in the world are not going to be enough to trick me into thinking that this is a movie worth seeing.

Angela Lansbury, of course, would be a different story. Hotchie Wah-Wah!


Wow! Apparently with this summer's horrific Bewitched celluloid mangling, Hollywood has run out of beloved television shows of yesteryear to vomit onto the big screen. What other explanation is there for turning their attention to television shows from just a few years ago that no one watched in the first place? Mr. Whedon, there's a difference between TV producers and movie producers. You'll never be a real boy, no matter how hard you wish it were different.

Good idea, folks. I'm sure this will work on reeeeally well for you. (NOTE: I've been told that some humans have difficulty deciphering sarcasm when it appears in written form. For you I will point out that the first two sentences of this paragraph are intended as sarcasm. Simply imagine them being spoken in the condescending tone of voice with which people speak to you on a daily basis. Thank you.)


I'd make a crack about this one, but I'm afraid I'd offend a large percentage of's readership.

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