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Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

This is what you humans think passes for new ideas anymore: artificially creating realistic-looking representations of comic-book drawings from the 1930s and 40s. If everything in this movie was created by computers EXCEPT for the actors, why do the trailers make it look like Mr. Law and Miss Paltrow are the least lively objects in the entire affair? Sorry to interrupt your nap, Jude.

Mr. 3000

Is there really any demand for this sequel to the Leo Salkind animated movie version of the Carl Reiner/Mel Brooks routine "The 2,000 Year Old Man?" This seems strange to me.

Shark Tale

"Finding Nemo?" I don't know what you're talking about, this movie is nothing like "Finding Nemo." What? Just because they're both fully computer-animated movies that feature fish characters struggling against adversity in a colorful undersea realm and starring contemporary comedians as the voices? That's like comparing squids and octopi. Totally different.

First Daughter

Katie Holmes stars as an attractive young woman who gained a lot of attention early in her career on television before going on to a string of uninspired movies that gained little interest or attention, either critically or in the box office. Co-starring Michael Keaton as a distant echo of forgotten promise.

Wimbledon

Sigh. Yet another sports movie about an athlete who struggles to success despite being saddled with a unfortunate physical handicap. This version centers around a tennis player who becomes a champion even though he doesn't have eyebrows.

The Forgotten

I like it when movies put their legacy right in the title. Makes it easy to write these snide little snippets.