» Ask Zonar
» Zonar's Store

I hate Superman. What kind of alien comes to Earth and decides that this is the greatest place in the universe and humans are so dandy that they'd want to constantly protect and inspire them? Not Zonar, that's for sure.

Apparently in this latest Superman movie, Superman has been away from Earth for five years, but (and this is the most unrealistic thing in any Superman story ever) chooses to COME BACK! Why? Did he discover that there was no where else in the universe he would rather be than the home planet of "So You Think You Can Dance?", Rosie O'Donnel, Rush Limbaugh, Extreme Sports, Arby's, Bratz dolls, energy drinks, Paris Hilton, chicken fries, Hummers, this movie, and so on and so on and so on? You suck, Superman.

From what I can gather, this is a disturbing story of an adult man who has his head surgically grafted onto the body of a child. He is so distraught by this that he then goes on a mad rampage of kicking everyone he can reach in the crotch.

Did the older Wayans brothers at some point dare the younger Wayans brothers to try to come up with stupider comedy than their own? I can't think of any other reason someone would make this movie on purpose.

Speaking of trying to out-stupid something, when Will Ferrell was wracking his brain to find a way to make Anchorman again, but somehow make it appeal to an even dumber audience. Someone eventually thought of the only solution: NASCAR.

Even I have to appreciate that kind of evil genius.

And now the Ferrell/Vaughn/Wilson Brothers crowd's junior mascot, Justin Long, gets his own starring vehicle. You know what? I'm going to come right out and tell you what's really going on here, because by now you're all two stupid to even believe me:

Movies like this are part of a long-term plot by the Blazhions from the planet Jeff to enslave the people of Earth. By making movies like this for several decades, they hope to make Earthlings so remarkably stupid that concurring the planet and forcing it's inhabitants to do demeaning, dull drudgery will be an effortless task. Justin Long appearing in movies like Dodgeball and then moving into his own allows a couple more decades of this mind-numbing inanity.

I tried to tell the Blazhions that the people of Earth are remarkably stupid to begin with and that most of them are already doing demeaning, dull drudgery in sweatshops, gas stations, and cubicles all over the world, but they worked hard on their little plan and they really want to stick with it.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, you probably won't even notice the difference.

I'm not surprised that some Hollywood schmuck said, "Hey, let's spend millions of dollars making yet another CGI movie about talking ants!" and that they actually made it as much as I'm surprised that some Hollywood schmuck said, "Hey, let's spend millions of dollars making yet another CGI movie about talking ants!" and they allowed him to live.

Johnny Depp returns as America's favorite Parkinson's suffering, gay, brain-damaged pirate; Orlando Bloom returns as America's favorite plank of wood with a tiny mustache; and Keira Knightly returns as America's favorite jutting jaw. I assume this movie skips over all the parts where the pirates we're supposed to like are actively robbing from and/or murdering and/or raping innocent people and just pretends piracy is all la la la treasure hunting, sword fighting, and staring a pretty girls as they stick their jaws out very far.

This movie replaces the first movie's skeleton pirates with fish-men pirates as if that was scarier. In the upcoming third movie, I hear they'll be chased around by Keira Knightley's jaw which finally gets stuck out so far that it escapes from her face altogether, steals it's open ship, and captains a crew of angry jaws out for danger and excitement on the high seas.

I'm not the only one who can't stop thinking about the jaw, right? It's got it's own agent now, did you know that? That girl's jaw gets stuck out so far that Keira can tell her friends to get their umbrellas a half an hour before it starts raining. That jaw is so protruding that, when she's driving, she uses it to signal lane changes. I kid Keira, but really she's a beautiful woman and fun to be around, and if you ever need a place to set your drink it's nice to be able to just set it down on her jaw.

Dear person who wrote Barnyard,

How do you get away with pretending you wrote that joke about the cows standing up on two legs when no one is looking, but stand on four when they are? Did you somehow manage to even convince yourself that this was a new idea? What kind of drugs must one take to achieve that level of self-delusion?

Just curious,
Zonar the Superion

Humanity's capacity to enjoy crap is pretty surprising, but your capacity to actually be nostalgic for crap is downright astonishing.

Archive of past reviews - CLICK HERE

Looking for "Ask Zonar" columns? CLICK HERE

Agree? Disagree? E-mail