I hate Superman. What kind of alien comes to Earth and decides that this
is the greatest place in the universe and humans are so dandy that they'd
want to constantly protect and inspire them? Not Zonar, that's for sure.
Apparently in this latest Superman movie, Superman has been away from
Earth for five years, but (and this is the most unrealistic thing in any
Superman story ever) chooses to COME BACK! Why? Did he discover that
there was no where else in the universe he would rather be than the home
planet of "So You Think You Can Dance?", Rosie O'Donnel, Rush Limbaugh,
Extreme Sports, Arby's, Bratz dolls, energy drinks, Paris Hilton, chicken
fries, Hummers, this movie, and so on and so on and so on? You suck,
From what I can gather, this is a disturbing story of an adult man who has
his head surgically grafted onto the body of a child. He is so distraught
by this that he then goes on a mad rampage of kicking everyone he can
reach in the crotch.
Did the older Wayans brothers at some point dare the younger Wayans
brothers to try to come up with stupider comedy than their own? I can't
think of any other reason someone would make this movie on purpose.
TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY
Speaking of trying to out-stupid something, when Will Ferrell was wracking
his brain to find a way to make Anchorman again, but somehow make it
appeal to an even dumber audience. Someone eventually thought of the only
Even I have to appreciate that kind of evil genius.
And now the Ferrell/Vaughn/Wilson Brothers crowd's junior mascot, Justin
Long, gets his own starring vehicle. You know what? I'm going to come
right out and tell you what's really going on here, because by now you're
all two stupid to even believe me:
Movies like this are part of a long-term plot by the Blazhions from the
planet Jeff to enslave the people of Earth. By making movies like this
for several decades, they hope to make Earthlings so remarkably stupid
that concurring the planet and forcing it's inhabitants to do demeaning,
dull drudgery will be an effortless task. Justin Long appearing in movies
like Dodgeball and then moving into his own allows a couple more decades
of this mind-numbing inanity.
I tried to tell the Blazhions that the people of Earth are remarkably
stupid to begin with and that most of them are already doing demeaning,
dull drudgery in sweatshops, gas stations, and cubicles all over the
world, but they worked hard on their little plan and they really want to
stick with it.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, you probably won't even notice the
THE ANT BULLY
I'm not surprised that some Hollywood schmuck said, "Hey, let's spend
millions of dollars making yet another CGI movie about talking ants!" and
that they actually made it as much as I'm surprised that some Hollywood
schmuck said, "Hey, let's spend millions of dollars making yet another CGI
movie about talking ants!" and they allowed him to live.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
Johnny Depp returns as America's favorite Parkinson's suffering, gay,
brain-damaged pirate; Orlando Bloom returns as America's favorite plank of
wood with a tiny mustache; and Keira Knightly returns as America's
favorite jutting jaw. I assume this movie skips over all the parts where
the pirates we're supposed to like are actively robbing from and/or
murdering and/or raping innocent people and just pretends piracy is all la
la la treasure hunting, sword fighting, and staring a pretty girls as they
stick their jaws out very far.
This movie replaces the first movie's skeleton pirates with fish-men
pirates as if that was scarier. In the upcoming third movie, I hear
they'll be chased around by Keira Knightley's jaw which finally gets stuck
out so far that it escapes from her face altogether, steals it's open
ship, and captains a crew of angry jaws out for danger and excitement on
the high seas.
I'm not the only one who can't stop thinking about the jaw, right? It's
got it's own agent now, did you know that? That girl's jaw gets stuck out
so far that Keira can tell her friends to get their umbrellas a half an
hour before it starts raining. That jaw is so protruding that, when she's
driving, she uses it to signal lane changes. I kid Keira, but really
she's a beautiful woman and fun to be around, and if you ever need a place
to set your drink it's nice to be able to just set it down on her jaw.
Dear person who wrote Barnyard,
How do you get away with pretending you wrote that joke about the cows
standing up on two legs when no one is looking, but stand on four when
they are? Did you somehow manage to even convince yourself that this was
a new idea? What kind of drugs must one take to achieve that level of
Zonar the Superion
Humanity's capacity to enjoy crap is pretty surprising, but your capacity
to actually be nostalgic for crap is downright astonishing.