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OK, Zonar fans. We're knee-deep into the Hollywood Summer Cesspool Season. Courage, my friends, and we may live through it. There is an astounding amount of cinematic feces out there right now, so I'm going to be brief with each of these. They deserve no more.

Spider-Man 2

I keep hearing that Spider-Man 2 is the best super-hero movie ever. Frankly, this impresses me as much as someone bragging about winning the spelling bee at the Special Olympics.


And here's the reason people can look at a movie about a guy swinging around on a web while fighting a fat guy with metal arms and think "wow, this is a really good movie."

In other news, Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, Eartha Kitt, and Michelle Pfeiffer announced plans to get into a grave together and spin.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, remembering that I am stuck on a planet that gave the Oscar to Halle Berry.

I, Robot

I, passing.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Condescending to even touch it.

While Zonar stays home.

A Cinderella Story

Why, it's a modern-day version of the classic German folktale of Cinderella! I've never heard of such a unique and different idea! Whosoever it was that chanced upon this marvelous premise while perusing through their daydreams should be given a raise! NAY, they should be made the King or Queen of Hollywood! Or both!

This is why the Hollywood executives are millionaires. They are constantly dreaming up these amazing new concepts that would never occur to the rest of us in a million years.

Thank you, dream factory!

The Terminal

Changed from it's original title, the more accurate Interminable.

King Arthur

Following hot on the Achilles heel of the mythless Troy comes this re-invention of the Arthurian legend stripped of all the things that make is fun and special and replacing them with Kiera Knightly's sculpted abs. Why? Why is Guinevere running around in the forest fighting and screaming? Why is this movie even allowed to be called Arthur? Sure, I wonder these things, but not enough to make the mistake of actually seeing it. Nice try, hackmasters!

Note to studios: this man made the 1998 Godzilla movie. You are allowed to stop giving him money.


Speaking of taking source material and taking away the only things that made it unique, it's a Thunderbirds movie! This is based on the surreal low-budget British puppet show and is now a big-budget movie - WITHOUT PUPPETS! I'd try to come up with an analogy using some other material that has not yet been completely bastardized, but if I think of one you just KNOW they'll wind up making it and I don't want to live with that guilt on my head.

The Manchurian Candidate

Without Angela Lansbury.

Seriously, Hollywood. Stop it.

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