» Ask Zonar
» Zonar's Store

ALEX TREBEK: Hello, and welcome back to Jeopardy! As you can see, returning champion Zonar the Superion is currently in the lead with $8,312,568.00 after the first five minutes. I don't even know how that's possible, but there it is. Trailing behind are Dr. Steven Hawking and Reed Richards both with zero. Zonar, you have the board.

ZONAR: Thank you, poop machine. I shall take "Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing" for $200.

ALEX: Man on Fire

ZONAR: What is how you would like to picture the director of this picture suffering in the pits of Hell?

ALEX: Correct!

ZONAR: "Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing" for $400.

ALEX: 13 Going on 30

ZONAR: What are the number of years you feel you've aged in just two hours while watching this sugar-coated cliche?

ALEX: Correct!

ZONAR: "Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing" for $600.

ALEX: New York Minute

ALEX: Oh! And Stephen Hawking is the first on the buzzer!

ZONAR: You shall pay dearly for your hubris, frail human!

ALEX: Your answer, professor?

STEPHEN HAWKING: What is the amount of time you will be entertained during this film?

ALEX: Sorry, incorrect.

ZONAR: HA HA! Foolish human!

ALEX: Zonar?

ZONAR: What is how long it will take you to decide to try to drown yourself in your double extra-large Diet Mountain Dew after realizing you've paid close to ten dollars to watch the damned Olsen Twins attempt to act and breathe at the same time?

ALEX: That's it!

ZONAR: Same category, $800.

ALEX: It's a Daily Double! How much would you like to wager?

ZONAR: All of it, of course, you bipedal impediment!

ALEX: That's a new one, isn't it?

ZONAR: Yes, did you like it?

ALEX: It's pretty good, yes.

ZONAR: The answer, now!

ALEX: Envy

ZONAR: What is the emotion this film will make you feel toward everyone in the world who has not seen it?

ALEX: Right again!

ZONAR: Let's close it out, toilet monkey!

ALEX: Godsend

ZONAR: What are the closing credits?

ALEX: And Zonar has swept the category.

(Polite applause)

Archive of past reviews - CLICK HERE

Looking for "Ask Zonar" columns? CLICK HERE

Agree? Disagree? E-mail