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Nicholas Cage stars (I could just stop there, right?) in this adaptation of a Marvel comic book (I could just stop there, right?) from the director of Daredevil (you're not STILL thinking of seeing this, are you?) as the embodiment of vengeance . . . a flaming skull-headed demon riding a motorcycle (seriously).

Johnny Blaze (really) transforms into Ghost Rider whenever innocents are horribly wronged. If he were real, of course, he'd be racing his Harley from Hell over any and everyone involved in making this movie.

Ghost Rider might make a decent image for a heavy metal album cover or a picture airbrushed on the side of a rusty van, but it's not the basis for a good movie.

It's an embarrassing time to be a motorcycle enthusiast, isn't it? You've got three options: Nicolas Cage talking through a CGI skeleton-man, William H. Macy cashing a paycheck along with three increasingly puffy has-beens, or crying yourself to sleep.

300 is making history as the first hit film that is spent 90% in slow motion. It's the story of a fierce people willing to go to great lengths and sacrifice everything in order to defend the freedom of their people (as long as those have absolutely no physical imperfections whatsoever. If they do, it's into the dead baby pile! Wheee!).

Apparently, lots of lots of humans are killed in this movie, which sounds like something I might enjoy, but apparently also lots of them live, which is depressing. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate humans? Because I do.

Hugh Grant stars as someone great at writing music and Drew Barrymore stars as someone great at writing lyrics in this script by someone lousy at writing movies.

If you've been desperately waiting for a fanfic about Andrew Ridgeley trying to make it many years after Wham! and in which George Michael never shows up and the main character is inexplicably not gay, then this is the movie for you. Also, you are stupid.

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