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ROBOTS

Would someone please give Robin Williams his cocaine back?

GUESS WHO?

Not Ashton goddamn Kutcher, I hope.

Let's look at a recipe, shall we? Take one classic film, say "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." Replace Spencer Tracy with Bernie Mac, replace Katherine Hepburn with I don't even KNOW who, and replace Sidney Poitier with Ashton Kutcher. Replace an important message about racism and equality with cheap jokes about how white folks and different from black folks. Replace a longing for quality with settling for mediocrity. Replace your sense of good taste with an unsettling queasiness in your stomach. Replace having a full stomach with kneeling over the toilet and vomiting.

THE RING TWO

Experts on etiquette tell you it's best to pick up your telephone after ring two. Let's hope Hollywood decides it's best to hang up this series after ring two.

BECAUSE OF WINN-DIXIE

Let's finish the sentence begun by this title, shall we? Because of Winn-Dixie...
... I now understand what true torture is.
... I've found it's possible to hate Dave Matthews even more.
... I'm not bothered that Koreans eat dogs.
... I don't sleep very well anymore.
... I will never get those two hours back.
... I no longer believe in God.

BE COOL

And see something else.