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What fresh Hell hath Shrek wrought? The previews for this latest CG cartoon noise-fest heavily feature an "extreme" surfing granny and Matrix-kicking Little Red Riding Hood. I know these computer movies take several years to create, but they don't take so long that these jokes could possibly have still been fresh even when they started working on this. If, in fact, they ever were.

"Oh ha ha! She is an elderly woman, and yet she possesses the attitude of the young! How hilariously incongruous! How uproariously surprising!" thinks no one watching these ads. "How I hope she describes something as being 'off the hizzy.'"

I like to imagine the creators of this dreck, nearing the end of their years of labor on this film, watching the box-office follies of last year's Chicken Little and wetting themselves as they realize the free-ride is already over.


...that this movie sucks.


When a studio produces and big-budget sword and romance epic and decides to pass on releasing in during the lucrative holiday season, but instead dumps in unceremoniously in January, you can take that as a sign that there may be something wrong with this picture.

Here's another clue: from the director of Happy, Texas and the 2002 version of The Count of Monte Cristo. "Wait," you say. "There was a version of The Count of Monte Cristo that came out in 2002? I don't remember that." Exactly.


Remember when Martin Lawrence collapsed when he went out jogging wearing multiple layers of heavy clothing during a heat wave? I always thought that was his funniest work. They should make a sequel to that instead.


Poor James Franco. First, he's starring in the above Tristan & Isolde, and now he's this other January-dumped studio tax write-off. Can it get worse? Yes: this movie is from the director of the upcoming The Fast and The Furious 3 to which the only reasonable response any sentient being could possibly have is WHY IN THE INFINITE REACHES OF SPACE AND TIME WOULD THEY BE MAKING A THIRD GODDAMN FAST AND THE FURIOUS MOVIE?

I am vibrating with hate so hard right now that they mental rays shooting out of my enraged mind are giving migraines to everyone in the tri-county area. I hope you're happy now, Annapolis.


Did you know Queen Latifah is really a queen? She is. She's queen of the planet Oveerackteng in the galaxy of Hammm 7, where anything done with subtlety is punishable by death. She abdicated her throne to travel to Earth to become a hip hop artist and movie star, apparently because she hates humans as much as I do.

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