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Mankind's foray into space

Have I Got a Pope For You!

Dear Pope-pickers,

With pity, I have heard of the recent passing of your typically physically-fallible pontiff. I have also heard that is now time for your elite squad of scarlet-garbed god-servers to pick a new pope. Allow me to offer what should be the obvious suggestion: Pope Zonar the Superion.

True, I do not regularly attend confession, but is that not because I am so pure of spirit that I have nothing to confess? True too, that I am not a currently-practicing Catholic, but who needs practice when youıre so damn perfect? And yes, it is also true that I have not been confirmed, baptized, or ever been a Catholic in any way, shape, or form. Also, I do not believe in your human God whose image you believe you have been made in the form of (sorry, folks, but Iım guessing God does not actually have ingrown toenails and hairs on his gluteus maximus).

But why let such piddley little details like these get in your way of having a Pope who will pope your socks off? Think, instead, about how great I art.

And what a wonderful message picking me would send to your flock and to the world! Deliver unto all a clear signal that you are picking a Pope who has nothing to with playing Michael Jackson with the alter boys. You could pick your first non-Caucasian pope, you could even pick your first female pope, but none of these would be as dramatic as picking your first non-human pope. Itıs time for a little something extra, something extra-terrestrial, that is.

Do the smart thing, Cardinal All-Star Team, and pick a Pope who wonıt take any crap from anybody. Pick a Pope who will force the heathens to worship him with the terrifying threat of his powerful mental rays! Pick a Pope with a 100% efficient digestive system so he wonıt have to constantly be running off to the bathroom when he should be smiting the unbelievers!

I will be such a good smiter. You know I will. Also, my head will totally already fit the shape of The Popeıs Magic Hat. I MUST HAVE THAT MAGIC HAT!

You are human beings, and so, not as smart as a Superion like me, but I believe that you can be smart enough to pick Pope Zonar the Superion as your new supreme leader. Do the right thing, boys.

Or else.

Bless thee,
Soon-to-be Pope Zonar the Superion

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