ALSO:
» Ask Zonar
» Movie reviews
» Zonar's Store

PREVIOUS COLUMNS:
» What's the Big Stink About Gas?

» Humans Keep Getting Fatter

» Mankind's foray into space

Topic:
Zonar's Report on Human Mating Habits

Dear Superion Homeworld,

This is Zonar reporting from the backward planet of Earth where I continue my studies of human life in order to help prepare for the eventual Superion Invasion Fleet. This transmission is to report on what I have learned about human mating rituals based on hours of televised programs I have been watching on the subject.

When an adult human specimen decides it is time for him or her to select a life-partner for the purposes of mating or cohabitation, an elaborate and time-consuming series of events are put into motion. We will call the individual who begins this process, the Mate Seeking Initiator (or MSI).

Even mighty human kings must abide by these strange ritulals.

First, several hundred individuals of the desired gender are screened. Suprisingly, the MSI is not involved in this phase of the selection process. Friends, acquaintances, and television producers either view videotape pleas or meet personally with an endless stream of desperate exhibitionists. From these, they select approximately 30 individuals, predominantly mildly attractive members of the opposite sex, but same racial category, of the MSI. One or two individuals of different races or sizes are typically included.

At the next phase, all of the potential mates and the MSI move into the same dwelling place. The dwelling place is not representative of a normal human domicile, but instead is much larger and decorated in a much gaudier fashion (remembering here that I find even typical human decor to be revolting). Bright colors, uneccssary drapery, and oversized photos/paintings of the MSI are standard. I theorize the garrish nature of their surroundings are designed to help amplify aggressive tendencies and desire to mate in the pool of potential mates.

The first activity is for all of the potential mates to get drunk and meet with the MSI. After the alcohol-soaked evening, the obviously least-attractive potential mates are immediately rejected.

Though I had previously heard that pirates take their mates by force, I have observed Jack Sparrow's grandfather playing the MSI.

I theorize here at certain individuals are selected specifically to be eliminated at this phase so that the MSI has a little more time before starting to eliminate the next groups. Those of different racial makeup or of sizes particularly larger or smaller than the average potential mate. Invariably, this group is next to go. As these individuals never, ever last to the final rounds, I am confused by their inclusion in the contest. Could there be some reason I am missing that has nothing to do with actually believing they might win? I am unclear if the producers might have some other motive than the MSI.

Finally, once the MSI has narrowed the group to a smaller group of individuals who all appear to be essentially the same to my alien eyes, they begin pitting the individuals against one another in one another in contests of talent, skill, devotion, and (hilariously) intelligence while musical of an intended comical nature undercuts the activities. After each contest, the MSI goes on a date with whichever of the potential mates he or she feels like making out with that night. The rest of the potential mates return to the hideous group-dwelling place and yell at each other and/or cry.

The MSI discusses his or her motives with the camera. Apparently, several of the individuals being screened are potentially of a mythical or fictional nature, as much is usually said about trying to find a mate who is "real." Another frequent concern is whether or not the MSI and individual potentials are "feeling it." It is never directly stated just what the "it" is in "feeling it," thought I theorize they are referring to primary reproductive organs.

These rituals also apply to homosexuals, as evidenced by this drag queen out on a date with a potential boyfriend on his/her program.

Finally, when the MSI has narrowed the herd to just two potential mates, all three go on a vacation together. I believe this is to see if the last potential mates continue to be "real" and "feel it" outside of the aggression-amplifying group dwelling. During the vacation, the MSI engages in intercourse with both of the final potential mates while telling each that they are in love with them. Finally, they return once more to the grotesque group-dwelling and the MSI selects one final "winner."

Several months later, the MSI and the entire group of potential mates all meet in an auditorium to yell at one another and the MSI explains why he or she is no longer interested in the winning candidate. Occasionally, the winning candidate is the one explaining why they are no longer interested in the MSI.

After this, the process begins again with phase one.

Having wasted hours and hours of my life on watching this process, I have yet to witness it reaching it's successful intended conclusion. Honestly, I remain baffled as to how humanity has grown to such enormous and overcrowded proportions following such a convoluted and unsuccessful mating process. Perhaps more data is needed, but I do not feel I could endure witnessing further programming of this nature.

Please conduct your invasion plans with all possible haste.

Sincerely,
Zonar

Agree? Disagree? E-mail zonar@capnwacky.com