|March 9, 2001|
Each week, Zonar the Superion loves to give advice to a few lucky readers. To submit your question about relationships, careers, or what have you, CLICK HERE

Hey Zonar,

I have a love question for you. There's this chick I like, but I'm afraid to ask her out because the last six ladies I went out with later revealed themselves to enjoy the love that dare not speak it's name, if you know what I mean. Now, mind you, they decided on this lifestyle preference after I was out of the picture for a couple months, so I know it's not my fault. Right? My question is: How can I stop asking out woman who do not really prefer guys? ; I'm starting to get mad. I already cut my hair short so that they don't get confused about my gender, but I just don't know what to do!!!!

Thanks, man,

Dear Jesse,

Ah yes, the love that dare not speak its name: Zonar!

I'm sorry, dear boy, but you mustn't blame yourself. Who could blame any woman for preferring the touch of a Superion to that of a mere, as you put it, "guy"?

How to avoid this in the future? Only date ugly chicks. Yes, they are likely to fall madly in love with me as well, but at least I won't reciprocate.

simply irresistible,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Exalted One,

I recently logged on to a favorite webpage advice column of mine (http://www.capnwacky.com/zonar/). To my horror, the wise, superior and benevolent being who writes the column was not there! Instead some cheap, pathetic washed up sports figure was answering the mail and inserting shameless plugs for his failing business ventures. Is there anyway to exterminate this poop-factory hack?

Humbly yours,
Dr. Eet Mi Bawls

p.s. - I think he might have pooped on the regular columnist's chair too!

Dear Doctor,

I believe you are referring to my guest columnist from last week, Merlin Olsen. Merlin had to fill in for me while I was off visiting a certain town in an effort to gain information for an upcoming edition of Ask Zonar.

While it's true that Merlin is a mere human, did you know that Merlin Olsen was in "Fire in the Sky" with Richard Crenna and that Richard Crenna was in "Murder, She Wrote: A Story to Die For" with the lovely Miss Angela Lansbury? So clearly he is at least slightly superior to most of you filthy feces factories and it would be ridiculous to imply that I am only hanging out with him in the hopes that he would be able to introduce me to the divine Angela.

Also, there is an easy way to tell that Merlin did not poop on my chair: he's still alive.

back now,
Zonar the Superion

Dear Zonar,

I am in love with a married man. He was not married when we first started our relationship, but he got married. Neither of us want to end this relationship; or, to be more accurate, he does not want to end it and I can not end it. The problem is getting tighter since his wife is Dutch and he will be leaving to Holland with her soon. I really do not know what to do.

P.S. She does not know anything about us.


Dear Rina,

Did you notice that the way you signed off ("Your Rina") sounds like "Urina" which sounds like "urine"? Urine is another by-product of the inefficient human body! And you used it as your signature! Urine!

I assure you that I am rolling on the floor laughing.

Zonar the Superion

|March 2, 2001|
A note from Zonar: Hello, Poop Machines! Zonar will not be gracing you with his wisdom this week, as I am traveling to research an upcoming special edition of Ask Zonar. But fear not, you shall not have to think for yourselves whilst I am away; I have asked my dear friend, former football great and FTD spokeshuman, Merlin Olsen to fill in for me this week. Yes, he is a human, but he'll have to do in a pinch. Take it away, Merl.

hello Zonar

I am having difficulties at school with my current group of friends. Some of them like to throw things at me and it hurts me physically and emotionally.

They call me names also. Can you help me?

The First Sister Of The Moon

Dear Sister,

This reminds me of when I first joined the Los Angeles Rams in 1962. Defensive ends Deacon Jones and Lamar Lundy were already on the team, and weren't too interested in a first-round draft choice out of Utah State coming in and sharing the glory. They would often make harsh remarks about me on the field, and would belittle my physical appearance while showering.

However, I quickly impressed them both with my dedication, hard work, and determination to win. So my advice to you is this: be very, very good at football.

The next year we would all pick on newcomer Rosey Grier. It made him cry.

Good luck,
Merlin Olsen

Dear Zonar:

At present I like this guy but he is also a really good friend of mine. How can I get past the friendship stage to the actual dating stage. Or is dating just the total wrong thing in case of loss of friendship.

Ps. Whats some advice so that I can stop being single guys come along but they never seem good enough...?

Please write back:
Yours Patricia.

Dear Patricia,

What better way to let someone know how you feel than with a bouquet from FTD? They have flowers for every occasion and will help you find the arrangement that sends just the right message.

Also, "P.S." stands for "post script" and therefore traditionally follows your salutation.

Merlin Olsen

P.S.: Please don't ask me to create a love potion. I do not have magical powers, even though my name is Merlin. I don't mean to sound upset, but I really would rather people stop asking that. Besides, FTD has all the magic you need.


I must know! Do McDonalds resturaunts exist on your planet? I am planning to invade your supirior planet but I must check that my troops will have adequate food supplies. If they do, I shall give the go-ahead immediately. I have shooters, lemonade, fake moustaches and a dodgy wig. If you refuse to answer I will fill you with lemonade, place the wig and moustache on your head, shake you until you explode and shoot what remains.

Soon I shall control the universe! Bwaahaahaa!

From commander R. Swipe of the Insanity system

p.s. my race is made from aluminium foil, green bottles and paper, held together with pritt-stik and therefore is far superior to yours

Dear Commander,

Yes, McDonald's Restaurants do exist here on planet Earth, as do lots of other great places to eat. Some people even enjoy eating flowers like those you can buy from FTD.

You sound like a very creative person. I enjoy creativity very much, and once starred in the Amish-themed TV show "Aaron's Way." It ran from March until May in 1988. That's three months! Pretty good, eh? Samantha Mathis played my daughter, Roseanne. She later went on to take her top off in "Pump Up the Volume," but I always close my eyes during that part.

Also, I was on "Chips" once.

Dream on, little dreamer,
Merlin Olsen

"The winning team has a dedication. It will have a core of veteran players who set the standards. They will not accept defeat." - Merlin Olsen

|February 23, 2001|

i am having trouble with taking a shower in the gym locker room with my peers. i have a slight problem with my feet. They are webbed and a odd bluish color. Also, my hair is green and I have a constant case of very bad halitosis. Can you help me?

The Second Sister Of The Moon

Dear Sister,

You will probably be relieved to hear that my superior intelligence suspects that you may, in fact, not actually be a human (feces factory). The qualities you describe may be unusual on Earth, but were common among the people of Shusterseig XXXIII before their planet blew up, apparently with no survivors.

It seems possible to me that perhaps somehow you escaped, perhaps as a baby and have been unaware of your otherworldly origins. This reminds me of the Earth creature known as Superman, only Superman was considered handsome and had powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men, whereas you are just a rancid-smelling freak.

stay away,
Zonar the Superion

Hello "Zonar"

I have two questions for you:
1.) Where are your arms?
2.) If two "Superions" got into a street brawl, what would determine the outcome? I mean, if they both have mental rays, who would be the winner? Is head butting allowed in the fracas?

Thanks very much for your time.

Superionally yours,
Dorothea von Mucke
Germanic Languages Chairperson
Columbia University of New York

Dear "Dorthea,"

Apparently in "Germanicland" the people use lots of "unnecessary" quotes. I assume you aren't making any "errors" since you are the chairperson of your "language." Is the only "difference" between your "language" and English the extra quotes? Otherwise, I'm not "noticing" any.

Anyway, on to your "questions":

1) My people have evolved far beyond the need for arms. We have mental rays!

2) Well, Superions almost never engage in combat against each other, but dealing with your query in the strictly hypothetical I would say that as all Superions are absolute perfection in form, probably the fight would go on for all time without either party gaining ground - unless one used a baseball bat or distracted the other with photos of Angela Lansbury.

"Hope" this "helped."

Zonar the Superion

|February 16, 2001|
Zonar, dude!

I've been chosen by Cap'n Wacky or somebody else to be the very first Junior Cap'n! I'm so busting with pride I could bust! I was also a Junior Tinkertoy Engineer, but by cracky this is better!

I want to set a good example for the next generation of Junior Cap'ns. I've already started chewing with my mouth closed, and reminding myself "ABC, XYZ!" (this is a mnemonic for zipper closure) I've made some progress in not needlessly insulting people. Can you give me any more tips, you freakish bug-eyed crime against Nature?

--Bill the Junior Cap'n Splut

PS: Since your kind does not excrete, what do monkeys on Superion throw when they're mad?

Dear Splut,

Congratulations on your impressive accolades. Jr. Cap'n of the Week certainly is a lofty title. How ever does your fragile human brain endure the pressure?

Normally, I prefer to answer specific questions, but for such an esteemed letter-writer I will, of course, make an exception.

So, more tips:

1. Practice shining shiny things. I realize there aren't many Mental Ray Focusing Helmets on Earth, but there will be when The Superions take over your world. Once we do, you'll be spending lots of time shining for us. So get good at it, toilet monkey.

2. Practice begging for mercy. It probably won't help, but it's worth a shot. We enjoy hearing it anyway.

3. Capture Angela Lansbury and bring her to me. This will win you favor. Careful, though. She's crafty.

That's enough to work on for now, Splut. As to the Superion Monkeys, they aren't 100% efficient like my dominant Superion race. They still don't throw their poop, though, because we killed them all. Do you think I'm afraid of PETA? I'm not afraid of PETA, bring it on you pooping monkey lovers! Zonar fears no one!

Put that in your banana and smoke it,
Zonar the Superion


I have fallen in love with a momna's boy! I can't begin to explain....There is too much to telll..
I know in my heart to let him go......But Is there hope?

Kim in Neverland.....

Dear Kim, queen of the Ellipses,

This is not a problem that occurs frequently on my planet. On Superion, mothers usually try to eat all their children, so those of us who survive into adulthood usually want nothing to do with the horrid harridans who spawned us.

Anyway, my advice is to simply try to convince this little Milquetoast that his dear mater is planning to consume him. This will release her claws from his soul, unless, of course, he wants to end up as poop.

no longer afraid to sleep,
Zonar the Superion

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Or, special Valentine's edition CLICK HERE

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