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|May 11, 2001|

Dear Zonar:

What form of government, may I ask, do you employ in your home culture? I ask because our various Terran governments are getting silly.

Saddam Hussein still governs a hefty portion of land that contains some of our planet's most economically critical natural resources, despite a war of repulsion, ten years of economic sanctions and air strikes, and a South Park movie.

Ehud Barak
Ariel Sharon, who used to be the Prime Minister of Israel, is the new Prime Minister of Israel, on the basis of a coalition made of 15-and-a-half political parties with radically different agendas and a piece of twine, without the participation of Ehud Barak, who used to serve as Prime Minister but now can't, and who was going to be in Sharon's cabinet but now won't, and was the most popular leader elected in the last 20 years but now isn't, and had a stable power base 6 months ago but now doesn't.

And the man sitting in the Oval Office Came in second.

Is there a viable Superion system we can adapt for use here? And if so, what steps should we take to implement it?

A Concerned Citizen

P.S. And am I the only one who thinks that Ehud Barak is just Danny Aiello in disguise? I'm scared.

Bartron the destroyer

Dear Concerned,

A fine, fine question that clarifies two of my most commonly-made points: 1. People of Earth are stupid. 2. I can make everything better.

On Superion we do have a very different form of government than you do on Earth. Everyone on my home planet is, of course, a perfect genius. We have no need for laws nor governing. However, we do understand the intimidation lesser beings feel when they see the image of a ruler on a throne. So what we do is this: every five years a new Superion is chosen at random to be the Supreme Superion. It is his job to scare the bejezus out of to-be-conquered planets by laughing maniacally when we take over their mass-communication devices (such as your tee-vees).

This approach to government would not, of course, work on Earth as:

1. The people of your planet are so moronic that The Drew Carey Show is sill successful.

2. You don't even try to conquer alien worlds.

My advice then, is to simply turn over all controlling authority of your planet to me, Zonar the Superion! I promise to rule as fairly as I care to and will never be distracted by the need to relieve undigested portions of food-products that have compacted within me. So, go ahead world, bow before Zonar!

You know you want to.

I would, of course, have no need for advisors, but as it is always nice to have sycophants around, I would appoint the following cabinet members:

Secretary in charge of floral arrangements: Merlin Olsen
Secretary in charge of getting freaky with the Supreme Superion: Angela Lansbury
Secretary in charge of locking himself in a small room and keeping his damnable mouth shut: Pauly Shore
Secretary in charge of making up for past crimes of alien stereotyping by putting me in his next movie: George Lucas
Secretary in charge of being a smooth, smooth dude: Lou Rawls

Danny Aiello
Power shortages shall be solved by placing Rosie O'Donnel on a giant Hamster Wheel and dangling a pie in front of her. Education concerns and overpopulation can be solved in one fell swoop by rocketing your stupidest children to the planet Regulon where they will be given jobs as tasty dinners to the giant Regulon Childeaters. Toilet sizes will be increased!

I only pray you hu-mans are at least smart enough to see the logic of this plan. Government of, by, and for Zonar!

governmentally yours,
Zonar the Superion

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