capnwacky.com presents how to

TESTIMONIAL: "Before I started to read How To on capnwacky.com, I didn't know how to do anything - basically, I was a big baby. I didn't even know how to read! After I became a regular reader of How TO, I did know how to read and do lots of other things too! Thanks to How To, I am no-longer constantly hearing people say things to me like "don't you know how to do anything?" and "stop being such a baby!" I will continue reading How To until I know how to do so many things that I am elected mayor of Neptune. Hey, how about an article about how to become mayor of Neptune? It could help! Thanks, How To!"

The above testimonial is the sort of thing we expect to start receiving once the How To fan mail starts pouring in. It is not real, but is pretty realistic, don't you think? I think so.

HOW TO: Use How To:
1. Pick one of the articles below with a title of something you'd like to learn How To do.
2. Read it.
3. Now you know How To do it.
4. Be more awesome.
5. Repeat.
HOW TO: Quit Smoking
HOW TO: Make The World Love America Again
HOW TO: Lose Weight
HOW TO: Not Get a Speeding Ticket
HOW TO: Give an Awesome Job Interview

How To, capnwacky.com, Amalgamated Humor, it's owners and subsidiaries are not liable for any of the following possible results of following the advice of our How To articles: incarceration, loss of rhythm, death, looking foolish, eating something gross, injury, loss of self-esteem, being a baby, damnation, baldness, ridicule by monkeys, deportation, abduction, loss of bladder control, motion-sickness, pregnancy, feeling bad, or any possible negative outcome.

Do not operate heavy machinary while reading How To unless you are reading an article titled How To Read While Operating Heavy Machinery, and even then it's probably better to wait until afterward.