HOW TO QUIT SMOKING
By BRODIE H. BROCKIE
There is really a very simple and time-tested three-step method to help you stop smoking: stop, drop, and roll. This method even works when you are slightly aflame. It's really not hard.
But while we're here, let's also address the much more difficult issue of how to stop smoking cigarettes.
BUT ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO?
Plus, we've been tricked by Hollywood into thinking smoking looks cool: remember when you were a child and you'd see a movie with a princess trapped by a horrible, scaly dragon with smoke constantly billowing out of his monstrous, flared nostrils? Who among us didn't dream of one-day being just like that dragon. Or maybe you just have breath so naturally sweet-smelling that you were constantly troubled by bees flying into your mouth thinking it was a blooming flower. You had do SOMETHING to stink your mouth up, didn't you?
Or maybe you just hate everyone and everything and want to do you part to slowly contribute to the inevitable death of everyone you encounter while simultaneously slightly dirtying every place you go. We've met a lot of people and been a lot of places, and we really can't fault you for that attitude either.
But now something has changed. Maybe you want to keep the teeth you have left or be allowed to eat in public in any one of the ever-increasing number of states that have banned smoking. You've decided. It's time. You want to quit smoking. Let's find a way.
OK, forget about hypnosis. Next method.
GET YOUR FIX ANOTHER WAY
Nicotine gum is another invention that delivers the addictive qualities to your system, but with lots of states also looking to outlaw gum chewing in public places, that's probably a short-term solution at best.
No, what's needed is to break the addiction entirely. But how?
QUITTING COLD TURKEY
MAKING THE PLEASANT UNPLEASANT
How? By forcing yourself, every time you smoke, to also engage immediately afterward in some kind of enormously unpleasant, increasingly awful physical experience. In fact, we suggest making the activity increasingly unpleasant every time you light up.
Follow this guide to quitting smoking through self-abuse:
Smoke #2: Flick yourself in the eyeball
Smoke #3: Slam the car door shut on your fingers
Smoke #4: Listen to "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M.
Smoke #5: Head to the nearest WalMart and lick the handle to the bathroom. No, the INSIDE handle.
Smoke #6: Listen to "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M. on repeat for 2 hours.
Smoke #7: When you're done with this cigarette, put it out on your tongue.
Smoke #8: When you're done with this cigarette, put it out on Mike Tyson's tongue.
Smoke #9: Twilight movie marathon!
Smoke#10: Twilight movie marathon with Mike Tyson inside of a Walmart bathroom.
By now you've either kicked the habit or died, so either way - problem solved!