So you want to lose weight, eh? Well, jump on the bandwagon! Wait - don't! We're dangerously overloaded as it is, and one more of you buffalos is going make this bandwagon collapse! There's hardly any room left for the band as it is! We already had to ditch the tuba and the bass drum, and now everything they play is imbalanced toward the treble. I don't care for it. Just follow along behind the bandwagon. You can put a finger on it if you want, but just your pinky.

First of all, let's be sure you seriously want to lose weight. Have you considered all the great things about being overweight? Everyone hates getting old, right? Well if you're overweight, you're a lot more likely to get to die while you're still young! Don't you hate it when you're flying in an airplane and you get stuck next to some schmuck who just gab, gab, gabs at you the whole time? Well, if you're fat enough, you'll have to buy TWO SEATS in the airplane. Now who are you sitting next to? That's right: YOU! Also... uh... OK, that's all I can think of.

There are lots of gimmicky diet plans out there: South Beach, Weight-Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. Who knows which ones work best? Who knows which ones work at all? And who wants to waste years of their lives trying one after another until they see what works? Our suggestion: why not try ALL OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME!

Simply eat every single thing that each of these diets suggest and one of them has GOT to work, right? Eat everything Jenny Craig orders you to, then eat your daily allotment of Weight Watchers points, plus your meat-tastic Atkins meat feast, deal yourself a Deal-A-Meal between South Beachings, two Subway sandwiches for dessert, and wash it all down with a Slim-fast shake. If more than one of these diets work, then doing them both at the same time should work TWICE AS FAST! That's just logic! You'll be holding the fat-pants out in front of your waist in no time!

Picture your goal - a thinner you, and THINK your way to the result! The mind is the most powerful healing tool in the human body, and it could maybe even heal your big behind. Convince yourself you're eating healthy and maybe your body will be tricked. Your body is pretty stupid, after all. Remember when it tried to grow those wisdom teeth? What was that about? Anyway, every time you peel back the wrapper of a candy bar, just tell your stomach that you're peeling back the skin of a banana. Maybe it will buy it!


1. Stomach Stapling (aka The Swingline Diet)- This involves stapling off part of your stomach so the amount of room you have to put food into it is drastically smaller. Unfortunately, if you try hard enough, you can keep cramming food into yourself until the staples burst. To help avoid this, maybe you should try stapling your mouth shut too. Still, though, you could probably get a straw in there are suck down some malts and shakes. Better staple your butt too, so your feces does not escape, allowing room in your digestive system for more food. Look, just to be safe, why don't you staple everything you can think of. That's right, even the ears. I know you'd try eating with them eventually, Porkins.

2. Liposuction - this means turning into a werewolf. Have you ever seen a fat werewolf? No.

3. Barfing - If you have to eat a lot, why not barf it out afterward? Apparently some elements of society frown upon these practices, but it worked for the ancient kings and queens, and it worked for Barbie. You can't argue with results!

4. Exercise - allegedly, physical exertion can lead to burning the calories you took in by eating food. Some say that if you burn more calories than you take in throughout the day, you will begin to lose weight. But it's really hard and it makes you sweat and is not a quick fix. Sometimes exercise even involves getting up earlier in the morning. It's like it's for crazy moon people or something.

5. Jazzercise! - Like exercise, but jazzier! Rather than follow a conventional exercise program feel free to improvise your exercise techniques and follow your own muse. Squeeeee - bop a dee dop! Man, those old exercises are all 1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4, and I'm all like zoobedeee bop bop BAHH! Dig?

5. Cut off your legs. Bam - Could be about 1/5th of your weight right there - gone in just one excruciatingly painful, life-altering instant. Or two.

6. Our last Extreme Measure is listening to the band Extreme until you lose your appetite. This happens pretty quickly.

There! One of these must've worked for you by now, but guess what: now you've got a whole new set of problems! Your clothes don't fit anymore, the picture on your driver's license doesn't look like you, every full moon you hunger for human flesh, and the gals in the typing pool keep making cutting remarks about how you think you're so ooh la la.

Sorry, this article was called "How To Lose Weight" not "How To Deal With Being A Big Crybaby All The Time. Wah Wah Wah." Maybe we'll do that one later.