Amalgamated Humor, Inc. currently has one opening for a junior assistant sorter in the mail room. Due to the current high-unemployment rate, we are expecting an especially large number of applicants for this position. As such, we have raised our hiring standards and requirements accordingly. If you have previous applied for employment with our company, please review the information below to make sure you still qualify.
Duties: Assist junior mailroom sorter with various tasks associated with delivering incoming mail to the correct department and/or individual. Skills needed include: stacking, separating, sticking into slots. Some minor folding.
Education: Masters or higher degree in business and/or mail delivery.
Prior experience: applicants must have 4 or more years prior experience sorting/delivering mail.
Hiring process: applicants should send a resume, cover letter, four (4) references, salary history, ACT/SAT scores, school records, medical records, DNA sample, headshot, and list of top-five all-time favorite albums.
Qualified applicants will then be narrowed down by an e-mail interview, followed by a phone interview, followed by an interview in front of our panel of celebrity judges made up of Postmaster General John E. "Jack" Potter, Gladys Horton of the Marvelettes, and a yet-to-be-named mean-spirited British person.
Once the field is narrowed to twelve (12, a dozen), those applicants will come to live in the mailroom and compete against each other in various tasks while being verbally-abused by mailroom supervisor Gordon "Gordy" Shwartz. Contests will include, speed stacking, lifting giant piles of mail, safely ferrying mail past starving tigers, singing, massages, etc. The entire process will be recorded and broadcast nationally as "Amalgamated Humor's Next Junior Assistant Mail Sorter" or "Who Wants a Job This Badly" - final title to be determined. On any week when there is not an applicant who is forced to depart due to injury or quits under the pressure of Shwartz's relentless insults, the viewing audience will vote out one of the contenders until only one remains! That final applicant will be named Amalgamated Humor's next junior assistant mail sorter (unless further downsizing is necessary).