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This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Boat Trip
I have a theory about Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr, and that theory is this: Cuba Gooding Jr. is an idiot. Most actors have lots of new opportunities and important doors opening for them after winning an Oscar. Let's see the highlights of what projects our exuberant friend Cuba has picked from those opportunities since winning his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for "Tom Cruise and the Shouting Black Man" (aka "Jerry Maguire"):

"As Good As It Gets"
"Get A Load of Them Crazy, Crazy Dogs!" (aka "Snow Dogs")
"What a Lame Attempt and Mimicking It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" (aka "Rat Race")
"Trivializing Pearl Harbor" (aka "Pearl Harbor")
"Chill Factor" (aka "Seriously, the Name Of This Goddamn Movie Was Chill Factor")

Even without throwing in hosting the VH1 Fashion Awards, Cuba already seems ahead of Marisa Tomei in the Lousiest Post-Oscar Win Career Competition. Adding "Gay Boat Trip" to his list is like putting in your best pitcher when you're already ahead by 10 runs in the ninth inning. You win already, Cuba! You win!

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
"Willard" is a movie about a being making a connection with lower life forms that poo too often, but that he can bend to his will. As time goes on, he begins to find them more annoying than they're worth. This is a lot like my relationship with my readers. Ha HA! You've been zinged by Zonar.

Crispin Glover stars as an eccentric man with an unusual name who always wears suits and parts his pitch black hair sharply in the middle. His character is seen as strange by others and has trouble socializing normally. Not since Courtney Love played a heroin-addicted slut in "Larry Flynt" as an actor stretched so little. John Malkovich was less like his character in "Being John Malkovich" than this, and he was playing John Malkovich.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
View From the Top
For some (Gwynneth Paltrow), this is known as "slumming."

For some (Kelly Preston), it's a career step up.

For some (Mike Myers), it's more of the same crap.

For some (Harvey Weinstein), it's a few less Twinkies.

For some (Zonar), it's another reason to bitterly hate the medium of film.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
True story: Stephen King is a hack and anything even vaguely derived from his work has the stench of death about it. Not the suspensful-type stench, but the grandma-died-alone-and-noone's-found-her-for-two-weeks-type stench.

My recent viewing of "Maximum Overdrive" may account for the unnecessary harshness of this review, but I rather doubt it.

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