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This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Tuck Everlasting

For a moment, Zonar was intrigued by this film. After all, it's rare Hollywood features aliens in roles that are neither child huggers or flesh eaters. What aliens, you ask? I'm talking about the little Gilmore Girl that stars in this movie. The head to body proportion doesn't come in that ratio on earth, my friends. Also, Sissy Spacek (and come ON, Sissy. Like it wasn't obvious enough you were an alien, you go and pick an alias with the word "space" right in it!) and William (the) Hurt are in this as well.

Then, however, Zonar acutally saw the previews in which young people speak lines like "Oh, I feel as though I could stay 17 forever." Ugh. This is not the type of thing 17 year olds really say, this is the sort of thing dried up, sexually unsatisfied, old maid screenwriters write for 17 year olds to say when they think back to the lost golden summers of their youth and the day that handsome carney that winked at them on the midway and invited them to sneak back under the grandstands. She said no then, he was beneath her. In a way, she's regretted it ever since. And we're expected to pay for it. I think not.

Here's what you can do for more fun than going to see "Tuck Everlasting." Instead, find out when your local screening ends and go sit by the theatre exit. As people egress, count how many say, "Yeesh, for a while it felt like that MOVIE would be everlasting!"

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
White Oleander

I'm sorry, but the "chick" movie aspect of this far, far outweighs any titilating potential of seeing Michelle Pfeiffer in some sort of "wayward women sweating in prison" situation.

In fact, if Hollywood is listening, heed the words of Zonar: When you make the sequel, that should be the title- "White Oleander II: Wayward Women Sweating In Prison." Feel free to mail the royalty checks directly to me, as things tend to end up missing if they go through the Amalgamated Humor mailroom.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Rules of Acttraction

Here are the rules for attracting Zonar to your movie:

1. Have a script.
2. Have decent actors.
3. Find out what a plot is, include one.
4. Find out if this plot has been used by hundreds and hundreds of other films before. If yes, find another.
5. Hire a director that is not Kevin Costner.
6. Do not suck.

Featuring footage of Jessica Biel in her undergarments is not sufficient. I can find photos of that online.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Knockaround Guys

Oh, joy, I had missed the cheap knockoffs of Tarantino films, as they had died down for awhile. Here, we have four young men who go someplace dusty to prove something to their mafia don fathers. How many more chiches can they jam-pack into a single film? Eh, Zonar will make one cheap joke about this "original" film, then it shall clutter my superior mind no longer.

You know, I hear star Vin Diesel likes to "Knockaround Guys," himself.

By which I mean, he enjoys the company of men, in case the entendre was far too complex for your puny earth minds.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
The Transporter

Zonar has never understood this "Star Trek" nonsense.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Brown Sugar

-1/3 cup pecans
-four 5- by 2 1/2-inch graham crackers
-Male and female characters who are longtime friends, but never considered an romantic attachment
-Sensible best friend who's not as hot as the lead actress
-4 large eggs
-Dull script
-Songs that are familiar to the audience

Mix ingredients until attractive leads end up getting married and audience goes home, forgetting completely about the film a couple of hours later.

Serves 2-3 million morons.

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