» Ask Zonar
» Zonar's Store

This week's first Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Kangaroo Jack

This film was obviously made for the sole purpose of me writing a scathing review about how horrible it looks. Well, I refuse to take the bait! I will not give Hollywood the satisfaction! Nice try, impersonal Hollywood machine!


The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

I may be a bit biased with this one. Chuck Barris and his whole stinking story may burn in the flames of hell, as far as Zonar is concerned.

Perhaps I should explain. Back in 1978, a young alien, fresh off of the ship decided to try his hand at comedy. He knocked around the L.A. club scene for awhile, when he had a chance to showcase his burgeoning comedic talents upon a variety-type program. This program was none other then the repugnant Mr. Barris' even more repugnant "Gong Show."

Oh, I had Jaye P. Morgan and Jamie Farr in my comic sway, my material was "killing," as the professional comics say. That little twerp, Arte Johnson, however saw fit to gong me, just as soon as I had come round to my big finisher about the dearth of ketchup packets on certain airlines. I could have been huge, were it not for this idiot Barris and his "Dangerous Mind."

For that, he and his film can both go rot.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Final Destination 2

So I guess the first one wasn't really the final destination after all, was it? No.

Let's hope this desperate last gasp of the Scream-induced horror semi-revitalization is the final destination for the careers of everyone involved. Hmm, better.

Your final destination after seeing this movie will be to the restroom... to vomit! That's the one.

No wait, now I got it: Final Defication! Keep it simple.

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
National Security

With America on the brink of war with Iraq, and still fearful of terrorist attacks on home soil, clearly this is the perfect time for a sophomoric comedy starring one-note (and it's a bad note) comedian Martin Lawrence and Steve "wasted potential" Zahn called NATIONAL SECURITY. Will you humans never cease to stagger Zonar with your stupidity? Clearly, you will not.

On the other hand, when is it ever really a good idea to release a Martin Lawrence movie?

The next Movie I Have No Intention of Seeing:
Biker Boyz

I saw "Fast and the Furious." Take away two wheels and it's still a staggeringly awful film.

Archive of past reviews - CLICK HERE

Looking for "Ask Zonar" columns? CLICK HERE

Agree? Disagree? E-mail