BY BEN FLASTER, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, LEONARD PIERCE, and RJ WHITE
Is it true that these "elves" you have working for you are really the same thing the rest of us call "teenage Korean orphans"?
You stop watching everything we do after we grow up, right?
Do you exist?
How much would you take for one of them flyin' reindeer?
Mr. Claus, I'm with PETA. Can we have a few words with you about your reindeer companion animals?
Where the hell are those Micronauts you promised me when I was eight?
Don't you think you should lay off the free cookies, there, chubs?
How come every time I see you at the mall your breath smells like Thunderbird?
How long does Coke have you under contract for, anyway?
Hey, aren't you the guy from "Home Improvement?
Are you aware that you shake when you laugh, like a bowlful of jelly?
I realize it's snowing out, but we don't allow smoking in the house. Would you mind taking your pipe outside?
Is that real fur?
Hey Santa, can you see when I'm sleeping or when I'm awake if I'm wearing my tin foil hat? I didn't think so.
How come you don't open up a toy plant in America? Think you're too good for Union workers, buddy? Yeah? Well screw you, pal.
Santa, how do you account for all the physical impossibilities that you supposedly overcome to deliver toys to all the good boys and girls of the world?
Do you ever hire your elves out? I have a reception coming up, and no valet.
Santa, what do you do with yourself the rest of the year? It's obviously not exercise.
I know you have a traditional suit you wear, but have you considered vertical pinstripes? Cause they.... well, you... you can see your... nevermind.
Santa, is it true about you and the Easter Bunny and that weekend in Vegas?
So, Jesus still not returning your calls?
Y'ever do an elf?
What's with putting things in people's stockings anyway? You're not some kind of foot freak, are you?
Why do you hates Jews?