By BEN FLASTER, GUTBLOOM, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, and DUNCAN PFLASTER
Mounties replaced by leggy Mountettes wearing mini skirts and low-cut red tops.
Use that socialized health care to doll up Canadian prostitutes. I swear they called that girl Candy because that's all she had eaten for the past 12 years.
Quebec renamed Trebek.
New tourism slogan - "Canada: kind of like a foreign country, but we also speak English (MOST of us anyway)"
Porn remake of Anne of Green Gables
Public execution of Celine Dion and Bryan Admas.
Spread a legend about Andres LeFleur, the fastest gun in North America. Soon every American punk who can hold a gun will be finding his way up north to prove his worth.
Free Eskimo pies handed out at border crossings.
New tourism slogan - "Schefferville is for lovers"
Declare war on the US, then allow them to push the front Northwards (southward in the case of Detroit.) When American troops approach, throw down guns and say, "We surrender! But while you're here, why don't you enjoy the scenery, and maybe buy a t-shirt for the kids."
Nationwide, no-holds-barred, month-long Snowball War held every January.
Make people aware of the fact that the fine for smoking a cigarette indoors in Vancouver is $100. The fine for smoking pot anywhere in Vancouver is $50, and that's $50 Canadian.
New tourism slogan - "You have a friend in Saskatchewan"
Now that cod stocks have collapsed, codfish is, for the first time in human history, a "premier" product and there is only one place to get cod tongue cooked right. That place is Newfoundland.
Cover Ottawa in creamy milk chocolate.
Stop Barenaked Ladies from touring the U.S.
New tourism slogan - "Beam me up to Canada" (see: James Doohan)
Replace stodgy old maple leaf with counter-culture friendly marijuana leaf.
See 'Ways to Boost Zoo Attendance', but with Canadians!