Every thousandth attendee can pick any animal in the zoo to they'd like to eat for lunch.

Zoo Thunderdome- Two Pandas enter, one Panda leaves.

"Here's your ticket, and here is your BB gun."

Add scratch 'n' sniff element to all informational displays.

Incorporate unusual-looking humans as well as animals.

Build special 'imaginary animals' wing featuring dragons, mermaids, beholders.

Children or adults caught teasing or throwing things at the animals are placed in the cage for one hour.

NEW SLOGAN: "Now with 20% less urine smell!"

All-gorilla NASCAR.

Introduce cost-cutting measure of replacing animals with video screens receiving feeds of animals at other zoos.

Special 'turn back the clock' days, featuring bear-baiting, drawing and quartering, and hunt-your-own-ibex contests.

All animals drunk during Happy Hour.

Using new advanced Brundle technology, create Cheetahs mixed with Dolphins, Gophers with wings, and a two-headed Ibex/Lion combo that preys upon itself in a delightfully confined circle of life.

Monkeys throw Starbursts and nickels instead of poo.

Free Cobra Day.

An exhibit called "The Most Dangerous Animal of All!" And it's a regular human being in a cage! Wearing a suit! Whoa, heav-y, man! But, no, then a lion eats him. It's the lion. It's the most dangerous. Not the guy, obviously.

NEW SLOGAN: "Virtually mange-free since 2003!"

Bring in team of pedants to insist it's pronounced "zoe-oh."

Form a partnership with a local prison. They supply the death row inmates, the zoo provides the public arena and the rhino.

Furrie/Plushie convention, now without constant derisive abuse from zoo staff.

Change name to "Zoo, featuring Jessica Simpson."

The Merry-Go-Round of Live Tigers.

For one week only, giraffes and monkeys will switch traditional honesty, sincerity roles.

Z-100's Doghouse Dave and the G-Man will broadcast Morning Zoo program from actual zoo.

Goats in petting zoo gauranteed to not steal your wallets.

Zoo-run sports book takes bets on what will happen when lion lies down with lamb.

NEW SLOGAN: "Better nachos than Big Ed's Safari Park!"

Special "Monkeyshines!" week introduces plutonium to water supply in chimp habitat.

P.A. system blares 'Welcome to the Jungle' as aging lion sleeps, motionless, behind a tarp.

New exciting in-zoo game "Name that Feces."

Invite reality TV show celebrities to be special guest zookeepers for a day... then feed them to the lions.

Petting zoo replaced by punching zoo.

As part of zoo's new holiday programming, nativity pageant features real animals: sheep and camels play themselves, gorillas play wise men, and one lucky child, chosen from the crowd at random, plays baby Jesus.

Monkey Karaoke.

Use a hypnotist to bring such new hilarious features as a bear that thinks it's a monkey, and a lion that thinks it can fly.

NEW SLOGAN: "If anyone in your party is attacked by an animal, 20% off your next visit"

Sloth races.

Get a LOT of monkeys and keep a lot of typewriters in their cage to engage them in lifelong probability experiments which can be viewed by the public.

Flamingo neutering sessions.

Kill all animals in nature, so the zoo is the only place you can these majestic creatures that once roamed the earth. (Currently on schedule for 2025).