President Nixon famously kept a list of people he considered enemies. has learned that President George W. Bush is doing the same thing. Conveniently, he also includes a brief explanation as to why he considers that person an enemy. Below we have transcribed the list we discovered.

JOHN KERRY - Borrowed $20 for pot while in "Skull and Bones", never paid back.

SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES TOMMY G. THOMPSON - Neck kind of looks like a turkey's. Distracting.

BILL CLINTON - Got more play in White House than me.

GEORGE CLINTON - Related to Bill?? Constantly threatening to "paint the White House black", which doesn't sound good.

GENERAL ZOD - Made former president bow down before him. Afraid he might find a way out of the Phantom Zone.

THAT NEW POPE - think he killed the old Pope to steal his throne. Might come after me next.

JEB - threatening to release naked baby pictures of me to National Enquirer.

MISS CLEO - Disappeared just when I needed her most.

PARIS HILTON - Bad influence on Jenna and Barbara.


CBS - Refused Presidential order to re-run "Gilligan's Island" in Prime Time.

JASON ALEXANDER - enticed me into eating deadly pretzels with his hilarious televised antics.


BILLY STAVISON - Hogging all the blue crayons. How am I supposed to color my flag?

MOTHER EARTH - Refuses to die

DIOPHANTUS - Considered to be the Father of Algebra, really hard stuff

PROFESSOR COLDHEART - Enemy of the Care Bears, he wants nothing more than to wipe caring off of the face of the planet, in direct contrast with my Compassionate Conservative platform.

JOHN WILKES BOOTH - already killed one president. Now he's got the taste for it!

G.I. JOE -- Which one IS G.I. Joe? He's never around. Fire him.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW - I like planes better than boats. Also... gives me funny feelings inside.

20/20 ANCHOR JOHN STOSSELL - I'm a faster draw than John Kerry and John Stewart combined. But lord do I fear some day having to go up against a rabid John Stossell.

CAPTAIN PLANET - Self rightous liberal.

JIM JEFFERS - (Red sticky smudge.)

JOHN McCAIN - (Red sticky smudge.)

DICK CHENEY - Took away my popsicle.

ANIMANIACS - annoying liberal puppies. Possibly a smear campaign like with the Dixie Chicks? Also, they are zany to the max.

ID4 ALIENS - Blew up the White House, my stuff was in there!!

CAP'N WACKY - not funny.