Spring is here, and with it, the stormy weather season. Well, OK, maybe not where you live. After all, the internet is an international media, so even though it's springtime right here it could be something totally different in your part of the world.

You know what, though? We don't care. We live in America, baby, and you will read these comedy bits based on OUR weather patterns. You got a problem with that, try complaining and see where that gets you. Hope you like getting your ass bombed back to kindergarten, crybabies. We're not out of bombs yet over here!

KABOOM! Hear that, New Zealand? That ain't thunder, because you're not in your stormy season, are you? Yep, that's a special package from your friends in the US of A. Attention: crybabies.

Anyway, the safety tips:

* Listen for the thunder and then count the seconds before you see the lightning flash. Each second counted = lightning striking one mile away. As you count, wonder what possible good this knowledge is going to do you.

* Prepare a sacrifice to Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. Sacrifice one virgin each spring. If you are unable to find a virgin, you may want to consider moving to a better neighborhood. Goats are also an acceptable option, though they have to be virgins too because Thor be kinky like that.

* If your child is frightened by the weather, just tell them rain is just God crying. If they ask why God is crying tell them that it's because they ask too many questions.

* Hail, the gang's all here!

* go inside.

* What, just rain? This is not an emergency, you damn sissy.

* Wear pants that are a little too short for you. Oh, they laughed at you in high school for this, but who's laughing now, All-American quarterback bigshot? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

* Use this opportunity to berate your neighbors for the reasons you hate them. As the waters rise and they drive out of town, yell out things like "This is all your fault, Randy Smith! This is God punishing you for playing that Metallica at two in the morning!" or "This is God raining down his judgement on that horrible aluminum siding you put up last week, Mrs. Anderfield!"

* Make friends with fat people, because fat people float.

* If you own a home with a basement, and that basement is prone to flooding, you're at risk of losing treasured personal items stored within. If you're storing boxes of mementos, always make sure you put all those drawings your kids brought home from school and made you keep in the bottom boxes. A little water damage is finally the guilt-free reason you've been longing for to toss those scribbles into the garbage.

* When your home is wrenched from its foundation, try to land on that ho with the gaudy shoes. Nice striped socks. Hot Topic much?

* Watch out for downed powerlines. When you spot one, have your kids pick up the end. Be sure to snap a photo at the moment when you can see his or her skeleton glowing blue through the skin. You just saved a lot of money on X-Rays!

* Run very fast in a small circle the opposite direction of the rotation of the tornado. If you are fast enough, this will create a counter-tornado and the two will cancel each other out.

* You're screwed. Give my best to Saint. P.