Dear Starbucks,

I am writing to complain about the service I had on a recent visit to your store in the city of A_______. It was a chilly day outside and I stopped in for one of your delightful Caramel Apple Ciders to both heat me up and serve my sweet tooth.

While waiting in line, my attention was drawn to one of the women working behind the counter. She was approximately 5' 6" tall and I estimate her age to be in the mid to late 20's. Her hair was of a light brown color with distinct streaks of blond throughout. It pulled back into two short pigtails. If let down, I imagine that her hair would fall just short of her shoulders. She also wore dark-rimmed glasses and had thin, sharp eyebrows. As I waited to be served, my mind wandered into a brief fantasy about dating and then enjoying physical relations with this woman. After lovemaking, we would entertain each other with off-color tales of a bear named Cimblefinn while she playfully stroked my ears. Sometimes we would go to the park and tease the fish in the pond by throwing small pieces of sticks to them that they would think was food.

Please do not misunderstand; I am not complaining about the amount of time I spent waiting in line. In fact, the wait was brief considering this was a busy time of day for you. Our brains can conjure these sorts of daydreams in such a short span.

When it was my turn to be served, I was waited on by a different woman than the employee described above. While competent and not wholly unattractive, she did not spark my interest in the way of the aforementioned woman.

Needless to say, I was very disappointed by this occurrence. I would hope a company of your reputation and magnitude would take immediate steps to help soothe my annoyance, perhaps with a certificate for a free beverage or muffin.

thank you for your consideration and prompt response, Brodie H. Brockie

PS: The Caramel Apple Cider was delish!

Dear Heating and Electric Company,

I do not want to pay my bill this month. I'll be honest with you here, and as I'm sure you get a lot of letters from cranks who crank up their cranky complaints you'll probably appreciate that honesty. So, yes, as far as I know the charges you are charging me are legitimate. It was pretty cold last month and I did choose to keep my apartment nice and toasty warm most of the time. Still, I just don't feel like paying this much now.

I have a feeling inside me. It's hard to put into words really what it is. An egg is a good metaphor for it, but it doesn't actually feel like an egg. It's not shaped like an egg and it's not colored like an egg. Also, it does not have a hard shell. It's more a pulsating, glowing orb of promise and potential. Someday, this orb will expand and grow and fill me up until the light is pouring out of my mouth and eyes and ears and everyone will be able to see it. It will glow so brightly that you would think it should hurt your eyes, but it won't. You won't even squint.

So you can see I'm pretty special. Therefore, due to my openness and honesty and the glowing egg/seed/orb/promise waiting inside of me I will assume that all charges for heating for last month will be waived. I could've just worn more layers, anyway.
Brodie H. Brockie

Dear Hellman's,

I hate Mayonnaise. It is so gross.

Brodie H. Brockie