by Brodie H. Brockie
Capnwacky.com sat down recently with a quartet of pixilated poltergeists known by people all over the world, household haunters, yet after decades in the public eye, still complete mysteries. Isn't it time we get to know The Pac-Man Ghosts?
CW: Gentlemen, thank you for taking the time to talk with us today. So, first off, proper names or nicknames?
PINKY: It makes a difference? One of my names is "Speedy" and the other is "Pinky." Why do you need a nickname is your real name is "Speedy."
PINKY: Well, except for you, "Bashful." If I were named after one of the seven dwarfs, I'd prefer "Inky" too.
BLINKY: Nicknames will do fine, thanks.
CW: OK, so that's Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and...
CW: OK. I only ask because -
CLYDE: I know why.
CW: Because in Ms. Pac-Man -
CLYDE: I KNOW!
CW: - you were called "Sue."
CLYDE: I - damn it - it was a phase, OK?
INKY: That was a weird time for all of us, man.
CW: So did you actually get the surgery, or ...
CLYDE: No, no. I just decided I was a woman for a little while, OK?
BLINKY: The ghost of a woman, mind you.
PINKY: Seriously. What surgery could he have gotten? We're pretty minimilist pixel depictions of sheets with eyeballs here.
INKY: He could've had eyelashes grafted on maybe.
PINKY: True. Or maybe just a bow.
BLINKY: Ha ha. "Oh, I have a bow on, now I'm a woman."
PINKY: God, I hate that guy.
CW: Wait, are you guys talking about Ms. Pac-Man now?
BLINKY: This bow and lipstick makes me a totally different character! We saw right through it.
INKY: Like ghosts!
BLINKY: That gender-bending freakshow.
CLYDE: Guys, can we just drop this, please?
BLINKY: Sorry... "Sue."
CLYDE: Get blue and eaten.
CW: You know, speaking of your gender, when I was a kid I always assumed Pinky was a girl.
PINKY: Yeah, I get that a lot. You think it's the pink maybe?
CW: WellÉ yes.
PINKY: I'm not even supposed to BE Pink. I used to be a traditional white ghost until SOMEBODY through their sheet in the wash with mine and used hot water.
BLINKY: I said I was sorry.
PINKY: Yeah, well that and a cherry will get you a hundred points.
CW: Tell me this, guys. Why do you hate Pac-Man so much anyway?
CLYDE: Ugh, he eats and eats and never gains a pound! What's not to hate?
BLINKY: Just aesthetics, really. Yellow and red are opposites on the color wheel.
PINKY: I don't think that's true, dude.
BLINKY: Sure it is.
PINKY: No way. You're both primaries.
BLINKY: Whatever. I just hate his pie-face then.
PINKY: I hate him because I feel that his insatiable need to consume represents the capitalist ideal and all the evils that go hand in hand with it.
BLINKY: And that's why we called him "Pinky" even back when his sheet was white.
INKY: He ate my grandmother.
BLINKY: So you can see we all - wait, what?
INKY: He ate my grandmother!
PINKY: Dude, you never told us that.
INKY: You never asked.
BLINKY: Asked WHAT? "Did Pac-Man ever eat your grandmother?" Why would we ask that?
INKY: I always get overlooked. Third one out of the box. It's worse that last, really. At least last is special in a way. I'm like the middle child.
CW: Do you think maybe that's because, in your game, blue represents weakness, yet you're always blue?
BLINKY: Oh no you didn't...
INKY: I am NOT BLUE!
PINKY: You so shouldn't have -
INKY: I am CYAN! It's totally different!
CW: I didn't mean any offence. Cyan is a kind of blue, really...
INKY: Yeah, like "a little slow" is a kind of moronic! I'm going back to the box.
CLYDE: Dude, don't be like that.
INKY: Shut up, ladyboy. I'm out of here. (INKY leaves.)
BLINKY: Sorry about that.
CW: I didn't mean anything.
PINKY: We know. He's too sensitive about the blue thing.
CW:OK. So, if its not too personal, how did you guys die?
BLINKY: I ran a red light.
PINKY: Eaten by a bear.
CLYDE: Son of Sam.
BLINKY: Inky froze to death.
CW: Wow, dark stuff.
BLINKY: You don't find a lot of ghosts who just had heart-attacks while playing with the grandkids.
PINKY: Those people move on.
CW: OK, so last question: what's it like to be pop-culture icons, but also to be always known as the guys who lose to a ravenous yellow disk?
BLINKY: You mean Pac-Man?
BLINKY: When did we ever lose to Pac-Man?
CW: Well, you know... like when he eats a power pellet and you guys turn blue and he eats you...
PINKY: And then we come back.
BLINKY: And come back.
CLYDE: And come back.
PINKY: Until we get you.
CW: OK, but -
BLINKY: But what? How many times have you played Pac-Man and we didn't get you in the end?
CW: OK, but -
PINKY: How about none? Do you know anybody we didn't get eventually?
CLYDE: We always win eventually.
BLINKY: We're death, man. You can try all you want to outrun us. You can think you're smart. You can make all the right moves. You can eat healthy. You can stay on the go. You can exercise all the time. We still get you in the end. We are death.
PINKY: Think we're wrong? Stick in a quarter and try again.
BLINKY: We'll be waiting.