QUICK COMEBACKS LATER REGRETTED

By Brodie H. Brockie

11/8/1974
THE INSULT:
During recess at Hayes Elementary School in Coldwater, Michigan, Leslie Smith calls Kelly Rosen "Smelly Kelly."
THE COMEBACK:
"My name may rhyme with smelly‚ but at least I don't have big ears.."
REASON REGRETTED:
Years later, realized she could have done something alliterative with "Leslie" and "Lesbian." Also, Smith's ears were not particularly large.

4/19/1946
THE INSULT:
At a dinner party in London, Sir Nigel Campinberry overhears Lady Isabelle Farnsworth refer to him as "a tad on the hefty side."
THE COMEBACK:
"Madame, I may be fat, but in a year, I will lose this weight. That massive mole on your face, however, cannot be jogged away."
REASON REGRETTED:
A year later, Campinberry and Farnsworth encountered each other at an afternoon tea. Farnsworth had had the mole surgically removed while Campinberry had actually put on a few pounds.

6/7/1999
THE INSULT:
Jack Carlson is informed by his boss that his productivity seems to be suffering lately.
THE COMEBACK:
"Yeah, well maybe that's because your teeth are rotting so fast that every time I come in to work I think for a second that something got stuck in the vents at night and died."
REASON REGRETTED:
Fired.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
THE INSULT:
A teen brushes off the attempts of a Dr. Evanzin to intimidate him with a sarcastic "I'll be careful."
THE COMEBACK:
"You'll be dead!"
REASON REGRETTED:
Fight ensued in which the Dr.'s friend, Walrus Man, got his arm chopped off.

Circa 1650
THE INSULT:
Kit Wallsburn says Julia Danbry's hair feels the same as straw.
THE COMEBACK:
"And your skin is as yellow."
REASON REGRETTED:
A week later, Wallsburn died of the plague.

9/13/1928
THE INSULT:
Danny Ralston tells "Sweet" Sue Sweeton that her singing voice "ain't really that sweet."
THE COMEBACK:
"Oh yeah! Well, neither is your trumpet playing!"
REASON REGRETTED:
Weak.