by RJ White

This week marks the traditional start of summer and what says 'summer' more than someone who, through years of intensive psychological conditioning, can only say the word 'summer?' Why, barbecueing, of course! So, as a public service, your friends at Amalgamated Humor offer several tips, ideas, suggestions and demands to make cooking outdoors easier.

At random intervals, shout "BAHR-BA-CUE!"

To fight rising gas prices, use lighter fluid in your car. That stuff be cheap like water.

That liquid stuff in the bottom of a package of chicken? Set it aside and use it for a tasty glaze.

Be sure to use an entire can of lighter fluid for comical fireball effect.

How to accomodate your vegetarian friends? Simple! Tell them to get their pansy non-animal-flesh-eating asses off of your property, before you call the meat police.

If you hear defeaning squeal when you place meat upon grill, it may not have been sufficently prepared by your local butcher.

If man in dilapidated house down the street offeres to bring his patented 'fun meat' mixture, politely decline.

Tongs and gloves are for sissies.

Keep small bottle of Testors brand model paint and brush nearby, just in case grill lines don't turn out perfectly on burgers.

If neighbor has thick book entitled "To Serve Man" lying next to grill, run. Run fast and run far.

For extra fun, sish kabob skewers+large dogs+neighboorhood children= Lil' Jousters!

Keep used briquettes for guests to eat in case they are poisoned.

You don't need an expensive smokehouse- With a pack of Winstons and a couple of steaks, you're all set!

A dry rub is probably not what you think it is.

Most marinades can also be served as cocktails, with ice and a little gin.