by Brodie H. Brockie
Capnwacky.com sat down recently with a sextet of Super villains: Doctor Octopus, Sandman, The Vulture, Electro, Mysterio, and Kraven the Hunter. Individually, they are some of the deadliest enemies of the costumed crime fighter Spider-Man. Collectively, they are The Sinister Six.
CW: So, what brought you guys together in the first place?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Each time one of us had faced Spider-Man alone, some unlikely misfortune had occurred, giving the wall-crawler an advantage against us that he didn't deserve. I reasoned that if we joined together all of Spider-Man's arch enemies...
CW: I thought that the Green Goblin was Spider-Man's arch enemy.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: The Green Goblin? He's insane!
KRAVEN: He is pig!
MYSTERIO: He's a show-off!
CW: He turned you down?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: yes.
MYSTERIO: What? I didn't even know you asked him. You mean we were almost the Sinister Seven?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Uh, no. Doesn't really have the same ring to it.
CW: Are you saying you only asked one of these guys to join because the Goblin turned you down?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Well... yes.
ELECTRO: ...and because the Lizard said "no" too.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Dude, shut up!
SANDMAN: And the Rhino.
MYSTERIO: Wait, who did you ask last?
ELECTRO: And the Shocker.
MYSTERIO: How do you guys know all this?
KRAVEN: And Chameleon.
MYSTERIO: Seriously? You asked the Chameleon to join before me? He doesn't even have any powers!
ELECTRO: ... Stilt-Man.
MYSTERIO: Stilt Man! He doesn't even fight Spider-Man! He's a Daredevil villain!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Hey, we got around to you eventually!
MYSTERIO: I hate you guys.
VULTURE: I can fly!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Anyway, I reasoned that together we could watch each other's back so that luck didn't allow Spider-Man to defeat us again.
SANDMAN: In other words, he kept kicking our butts so we decided to gang up on him.
CW: And this was your idea, Doctor?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Yes. I came up with a brilliant scheme to best use all of our abilities to destroy the wall-crawler.
ELECTRO: By fighting him one at a time.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: IN A ROW!
CW: Wait, what? The whole point of your group was to gang up on Spider-Man and then you fought him one at a time?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: One at a time IN A ROW!
SANDMAN: As you can see, we've been over this.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: It should've worked!
CW: Why didn't you guys just all jump him at the same time?
SANDMAN: Really, we've been over this.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: I thought we'd wear him out!
CW: And it didn't work?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Almost! If we could just try it again!
KRAVEN: Is so stupid.
VULTURE: Are you my grandson?
KRAVEN: "In a row." My God.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: It almost worked!
ELECTRO: What are you a doctor of anyway, stupidity?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: That's right, I'm a doctor of stupidity. Good one.
CW: OK, let's get back on track here. I understand that Spider-Man had previously thwarted each of you're plans, but in most cases he happened to initially encounter you by mere happenstance. I'm wondering why your hatred seems to be so intensely personal.
VULTURE: Has anyone seen my wings?
SANDMAN: You're wearing them, Adrian.
ELECTRO: Sorry. Anyway, I think we all hate him so much because he doesn't just defeat us, he humiliates us.
CW: How so? What's the most humiliating thing that's happened to each of you as a result of fighting Spider-Man?
MYSTERIO: One time he had me in a headlock and took out a magic marker(from where on that costume, I have NO idea) and drew Charlie Brown's face on the outside of my helmet. He spent the rest of the time fighting me making those "Wah wah wah" noises Charlie Brown's teacher makes.
SANDMAN: One time I was in this neighborhood in Queens and Spider-Man was on my tail. I popped behind this fence and changed to sand form to just hide on the ground. This happened to be in the backyard of one of those crazy ladies with, like, 14 cats.
ELECTRO: Dude, they didn't.
SANDMAN: They so did.
ELECTRO: Ha ha. Man, I was going to tell a story about the time Spidey tricked me into shooting some electricity at him and when he dodged my bolt powered up a sign that read "Electro sucks," but that's not nearly as bad as getting pooped on by kitties.
SANDMAN: Whatever, dude. At least I never got beaten by Power Pack.
ELECTRO: I told you that in confidence, man! NOT COOL!
KRAVEN: Ha ha! You got beat by the super babies?
ELECTRO: I hate you guys.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Nothing particularly humiliating has ever happened to Doctor Octopus while fighting Spider-Man.
MYSTERIO: I'm sorry - what?
SANDMAN: Yeah, hold on a second.
ELECTRO: Nice try. You ever heard of Peter Parker?
CW: Yeah, isn't he the photographer that takes pictures of Spider-Man for the Daily Bugle?
ELECTRO: Yes! That's they guy.
MYSTERIO: He does nice work.
KRAVEN: Has good eye.
CW: You guys all know who he is?
KRAVEN: We all make scrapbook.
ELECTRO: Anyway, Doc Ock here tried to marry that kid's grandma!
SANDMAN: Ha ha.
KRAVEN: So gross!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: It was his aunt!
ELECTRO: Are you sure?
SANDMAN: Aunt, grandma. Either way she was like 90 years old!
VULTURE: Is it time for dinner?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Shut up! She had just inherited a nuclear reactor in Canada! That's all I was after.
SANDMAN: Whatever, dude. You have a granny fetish.
ELECTRO: Remember the last time we were in his hideout? Did you see he has the whole Golden Girls series on DVD?
KRAVEN: Ha ha. Otto, I set you up with my babushka?
MYSTERIO: Vulture, put on some lipstick and I bet Doc Ock would take you out to the movies.
VULTURE: I like the talkies!
ELECTRO: Oh man, Ock. Even Mysterio got one in on you!
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: I'll get you all for this!
CW: OK, before you all try to kill each other, could I just ask one more thing? What's with the green?
CW: Well, five out of six of you guys are wearing predominantly green costumes, I just wondered what that was about.
ELECTRO: Whoa, I never noticed!
SANDMAN: You didnšt?
CW: And not only you guys, but so do other the Spider-Man villains like The Green Goblin, the Scorpion... The lizard's skin is all green.
MYSTERIO: I know. It's weird, right? It's like it was planned.
SANDMAN: Hey, this was just what I was wearing when I had my sand accident.
ELECTRO: I'm color-blind. I thought I was wearing blue and orange for years.
MYSTERIO: That's what makes it so trippy, man! We all went green on our own, but it's like we were designed by the same person or something!
SANDMAN: Dude, you need to take that helmet off a little more often.
CW: Kraven, no green for you?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: We tried to get him to change to a green version of his costume, but he wouldn't go for it.
>KRAVEN: This would make no sense! I am big-game hunter wearing lion's pelt! Do you want me to wear green lion?
SANDMAN: It would make about as much sense as a green vulture.
VULTURE: I could cut a rug in my day, sonny!
CW: So what's next for The Sinister Six?
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: What do you guys say, trying to kill Spider-Man again?
MYSTERIO: I'm in!
ELECTRO: Sure, why not.
KRAVEN: We will crush him!
VULTURE: Did someone say something about killing Spider-Man? Let's do it! Hey, you know how I bet I could beat Spider-Man? BY FLYING! There's no way to stop a criminal in the sky!
SANDMAN: That's a good idea, Adrian. You try that next time.
ELECTRO: Man, I love how that always wakes him up, though.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: I'm beginning to form a plan even now, gentlemen!
SANDMAN: Please donšt say we wear him down by fighting him one at a time.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: ...
ELECTRO: Doc, seriously.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: I'm not saying anything about my brilliant plan in front of the reporter!
CW: OK, best of luck to you guys.
DOCTOR OCTOPUS: Oh, we don't need luck!
KRAVEN: Yes we do.