Oscar Night Predictions

By Brodie H. Brockie

1. Tuxedos - and lots of 'em.

2. Those things will feel a lot heavier than they look.

3. Shirley Temple-Black will see an old clip of herself and feel like a giant. She will look down at her enormous, hideous, adult feet and wonder how they ever could have tap-danced.

4. A young starlet will be momentarily confused by the question, "who are you wearing?"

5. Just before they read the name of the best actor winner, the webmaster of a Brad Pitt fansite will be certain Pitt will be the winner - even though she is fully aware that Pitt was not nominated.

6. People will smile at Joan Rivers and feel as though their souls are dying.

7. Cleavage - and lots of it.

8. As best sound effects editing is announced, a guy name Larry watching the Animal channel will be disappointed that that there snake couldn't get his teeth on the Crocodile Hunter.

9. As best documentary short is announced, a woman named Louise will take a bathroom break.

10. Stiff teleprompter readings - and lots of 'em.

11. During the montage of dead actors, fans of old films will incorrectly imagine certain actors in heaven.

12. Best Actress: Hilary Swank.

13. None of the winners will thank their seat-fillers, but they'll all be thankful to feel the seat is still warm when they sit down.

14. A scorned seat filler will silently expel gas onto the seat of an Oscar winner.

15. For no reason that is apparent to him, Sean Penn will suddenly remember when, for an afternoon when he was six, he was utterly certain that he would grow up to be a dentist. He will wonder what his life might have been like had he pursued that vocation instead of acting. A sudden feeling of loss and depression will creep over him, and he will not shake the feeling until several hours later when at Elton John's after party he saves the life of Ryan O'Neal with a well-timed Heimlich maneuver. Meanwhile on Earth 2, Dr. Sean Penn, DDS will watch the Oscars will his children (Toby and Mitchell) and not suspect for a moment that things might have been very different.

16. Mickey Rooney will pull Haley Joel Osment aside, put his face close to the boy's and whisper, "Get out, kid. Get out while you still can."

17. I will eat popcorn and gripe.