This batch of complaint letters transcribed by Brodie H. Brockie and David Andrews
Dear Sumptuous Soup Co,
I was recently enjoying a bowl of your delicious alphabet soup ("now with
more Ws!") when I noticed a fully-formed word staring up at me from my
hardy bowl of noodly goodness. The word? "Fallopian."
Now, this is not too bad a word to see staring up at you from your soup,
but it is pretty surprising. It got me to thinking about what other words
could accidentally be formed by your letter-shaped noodles. I decided to
see if it was possible to make some other words. I started out slow with
inoffensive body parts like "elbow," "earlobe," "mutton chop," "hairline,"
and "thumbnail." I could make them all! After that, I moved into more
mildly troublesome bio-words like "naval," "ankle," and "breadbasket."
These too, could all easily be made! Finally, I jumped ahead to see if I
could make the naughtiest word I could think of: "boobies."
Yep, I could make it.
I think there's an argument to be had about whether children should get
their reproductive education from school, parents, or just find out by
making their own mistakes, but I think we can all agree that they should
be learning this kind of smut from their soup bowl. Shame on you.
I spent 364 days last year in my best behavior. That should count for something
right Santa? But no on Christmas morning there were the socks and books and lame
board games and some kind of education toy I havenÕt even figured out yet. What
gives, Santa? OK so I made one mistake all year and it was on Christmas Eve. Big
deal. I even helped my mom knit a little sweater so the cat wouldnÕt get too cold.
I held that stupid yarn ball for about three hours. And I spent $2.79 of my own
allowence to replace my dadÕs disposible razor. And he got about five extra because
did you know you canÕt buy just one disposible razor. So IÕm out about $2.00 and I
donÕt even have to shave yet. I had better get that swiss army knife I asked you
for on my birthday next week or IÕm going to wait up next Christmas and kick your
This batch of complaint letters transcribed by Brodie H. Brockie and David Andrews
Dear Daily Bugle,
Effective immediately, please cancel my subscription to the Daily Bugle.
If you're at all interested in why a loyal reader for the last thirty-plus
years is turning his back on your paper, I can make it very simple for
you: I've had enough of the Spider-Man thing.
It's not that I consider myself a big supporter of the wall-crawler. If I
had to guess, it seems to me like he's probably a decent guy, but I do
have a bit of an issue with vigilante justice, well-intentioned or not.
And sure, like everyone else, I was very interested in reading articles
about Spider-Man when he first appeared on the scene, swinging through the
streets, his motivations and agenda a mystery, but he's been around quite
a while now and the novelty has warn off for everyone.
Everyone, that is, except for your newspaper's publisher. Do we really
need a "Spider-Man: Menace?" headline (no exaggeration) at least once a
week? Not only is there often no new information to spur one of these
headlines, it often pushes actual news off the front page. Last
Wednesday, when everyone other newspaper in town was leading with the
Deputy Mayor's embezzlement scandal, the Bugle's headline was "Spider-Man
and Electro: In Cahoots?" Not only does this story have much less of an
impact on the average New Yorker, it appeared to be stimulated solely by a
picture of the two subjects punching each other. How does that suggest
cooperation? The deputy-mayor scandal was buried on page three, and even
THAT story suggested that Spider-Man might've been involved. Now come on!
And in a city full of super-powered beings, why the obsession with just
this one? We've got a space-powered family living in their own personal
skyscraper, we've got a guy who dresses up like a devil, about a million
mutants, and a guy who claims to be a Norse God! Wouldn't any one of
these be more dangerous if corrupted than a guy who can walk on the wall?
What is with the Spider-Man obsession? I don't get it!
OK, now I'm ranting as badly as your publisher. Let me make it simple for
you: cancel my subscription. 'Nuff said.
Dear Amalgamated Humor Compliance Department:
I recently left my position in the Compliance Unit at Bear Stearns Companies, Inc.
(BSC) to pursue opportunities with other firms. I spent seven years ensuring BSC's
conformance with SEC regulations and monitoring trading activities as it grew to
become the fifth largest investment bank in the United States. Now I am seeking new
challenges in this important area of the financial world.
I believe my experience steering brokers and traders through the complex world of
international investment will be of great value to any company, but most
particularly to one in the growth field of Amalgamated Humor. I would like to meet
with you at your convenience to discuss Amalgamated Humor's efforts and approach in
the area of compliance.
Attached please find my resume and a list of references, including executives from
MF Global, Ltd., for whom I was a consultant until 2007, and from my previous
employer (1975-2001) InterNorth, Inc. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
By the way, I believe your company's web site is well-designed and very attractive,
but you seem to have misspelled the word "compliance." I mention this to
demonstrate that my oversight skills are not limited arcane governmental
A. Warren Goolsby
New Rochelle, NY
Dear Animal Crackers,
How do you live with yourselves? How dare you condone the eating of
exotic animal species? Don't you realize some of these animals are even
endangered? Or do you know that and not even CARE?!
Now, I'm not some crackpot. I realize now that the Animal Crackers are
not, in fact, made out of the animals, but even so: getting kids at an
early age to associate eating penguins or tigers or hippos with a
delicious taste sensation is conditioning them to want to eat the actual
animals when they're older!
Further, Animal Crackers give kids the incorrect impression that wild
animals will have a sweet taste, while it is my experience that they are
generally savory. Of all the monkeys, zebras, pandas, lions, etc. I have
eaten over the years, none of them have tasted remotely like Animal
Crackers, frosted or unfrosted.
I suggest that you stop featuring rare and exotic animal shapes in your
crackers, instead opting for acceptable-to-eat animal shapes like cows,
chickens, and squirrels. If you must persist in shaping your crackers like
wild game, you should at least make the taste authentic. In this day and
age, we can make jelly beans that taste like boogers, so I'm sure we can
get a tiger cracker that tastes just like a delicious tiger.
Dear Humane Society,
As an animal lover, I am often saddened by your public service announcements
featuring adorable and sad puppies and kitties. Could you maybe use pictures
of ugly cats and dogs sometimes so I don't feel so bad?
Dear Moviehaus 17,
I recently attended a showing of the film "Cloverfield" in you your
theater, and found it to be a thoroughly unpleasant experience. The movie
was entirely on handheld camera and featured actors of a younger
generation than myself who dressed in a manner that I could not determine
if they meant to be earnestly fashionable or ironic. The constant
jerkiness of the handheld camera made me eventually vomit up my $4.00
bucket (overpriced is what I'm saying) of popcorn.
I want my money back!
I expressed this to the young gentleman (I call him this insincerely)
working the ticket booth, and he expressed no sympathy whatsoever. He
expressed the ludicrous opinion that since your theater did not produce
the film, they shouldn't be blamed for my lack of enjoyment and that,
furthermore any and all advertising for the movie presented it as being
exactly what it was and that if that wasn't what I wanted I should blame
MYSELF! Can you imagine?
Now I am off to dinner at a local restaurant. I intend to order the baked
salmon. It had better be really good, because I hate fish!
P. Wentworth Westingham
Dear Perceptual Chronometry,
Who decided that you would work the way you do? I remember my childhood
years filled with golden summers that seemed endless. The details have
smudged as years pass, blurring and scratching as they go, but the memory
of the lost feel an ample supply of summer days has lingered.
Now, growing ever older, my perception of time accelerates with each year.
The once lengthy warmer months seem barely weeks now. Why? Why let us
bask in leisurely summer sun in our youth only to rob us of this comfort
in our later years? Shouldn’t it be the other way? Is this supposed to be
funny, Perceptual Chronometry?
Oh, and “time flies when you’re having fun?” Great idea with that one
too. Some people say that you’re an immutable fact of life, but I say
you’re just a big meanie. There, I said it.
Unwillingly subject to your whims,
Dear Apple Computers,
People are always telling me that iPods are so great because they hold
like a million songs or something and they're totally portable. Oh yeah?
But what if you accidentally cut off your thumbs? What about me, Apple?
Where's my no-thumb iPod, jerks?
Amalgamated Humor, Inc., we get lots of complaint letters, many of which
have nothing to do with us. We present them here, as we just don't know
what else to do with them.
Have a letter of complaint to send to The Complaint Department? Complain to
complaints[at sign]capnwacky.com (only replaces the "[at sign]" with an actual at sign. You know, like in an e-mail address.)