Here at Amalgamated Humor, Incorporated, our number one priority is making you laugh. Some people think that a huge multinational corporation that has spread its interests from novelty practical joke products to internet content, comics, TV and radio, theme parks, decorative napkin holders, moisturizers, seal coating, and has started researching space exploration, is not well suited to making people laugh. To those people we say: we're suing you for slander. Or libel. One of those two, anyway. Trust us, our lawyers know the difference.

Our number two priority is making money. We'll be upfront about that. We're running a business here and in order to keep making you laugh and feeding our loyal employees and buying the newest and shiniest yachts for our company presidents, we need to be making a profit. OK, seriously, making money is really our number one priority. If we can't keep making you laugh (ostensibly our #1 priority) without making money, then making money has to be the real #1, right? What kind of slogan would that be, though? Amalgamated Humor, Inc.: Our Number One Priority is Making Money. Not good. We'll leave it as it is with #1 being making you laugh and #2 being making money (but so we're clear, it's not really true. Money first. Because honesty is the best policy, if profitable).

Our number three priority is making our employees feel like we value them. We employ a small army of people dedicated to the above two priorities. From joke-writers to novelty product inventors, lawyers, accountants, astronauts, celebrity impersonators, Washington lobbyists, dogsled drivers, staff nurses, naughty nurses, trend spotters, dock workers, naughty dock workers, stick figure warning men, snooty butlers, "escorts", union busters, and everything in between, they're all working hard on making you laugh and making us money (again, not necessarily in that order). In return, we care about them. Hmm, that doesn't seem to quite carry the gravitas we want it to in print. Let's try this: In return, we Care about them. We Care About Them. Almost there... We CARE About Them. There we go.

Some recent changes made to corporate policy to show our employees just how much we CARE About Them: expanding allowed break times to match federal regulations, increasing the number of colors employees may wear around the office to include purple and mauve (and are considering orange for the next quarter!), raising the maximum number of children our employees are allowed to have from three to four (though only the first three may be covered by our company health insurance). Try to find another company that CAREs as much as that (on your own time, not on company time).

Our fourth priority is preparing our customers, and residents of our planet in general, for the eventual arrival of aliens from the planet Karapaapp in the Kernshicallamasi galaxy. It's not something we usually talk about directly, preferring instead to put subliminal messages in our products, broadcasts, advertisements, and internet content that will help humanity react more calmly to their eventual and inevitable colonization by these cold-hearted and sadistic beings from beyond the stars. Resistance will only be met with increased hostility and greater punishments.

Our fifth priority is disparaging the memory of popular comedian Sid Cesar, who refused to appear in advertisements for our products and called company co-Founder Sheky "Ralph" Brockie "a mean-spirited halfwit who fell backward into success and left success smelling like wet shoes and bad ham." Brockie had it written into company policy that the corporation should disparage Cesar whenever possible and that employees are required to spread the rumor that he was a communist sympathizer and incorrigible nose picker.

Our sixth priority is unparalleled corporate synergy, using advertising that promotes our products, products that support our entertainment venues, entertainment venues that support our humor outlets, etc. to the point that we dominate all media with a constant Amalgamated Humor/Cap'n Wacky presence. This plan will not only keep our company and products forever in the public eye, but also leave little room for corporate competitors or amateur humorists merely looking for a creative output. Crush those punks, we say. Crush them like pennies left on the train track until they are interesting curiosities that no longer count as legal tender.

Sorry, I think I got lost in that metaphor for a second.

Amalgamated Humor believes that if we all work together on these goals we can create a company with a happy working environment for its employees, in a Cap'n Wacky saturated world that hates Sid Caesar and makes up wheelbarrows full of sweet, sweet cash. Until the aliens come.

Click Here for the Disgruntled Employee of the Month Archives