Q: Is it true that Amalgamated Humor products are made by poor children in third-world countries?
Absolutely not. All Amalgamted Humor products are made right here on planet Earth - mostly by Chinese kids.
Q: How do I purchase Amalgamated Humor stock?
What is "stock" really, but something in which you invest money and from which you hope to get something positive in return? Well, since our literal company shares are currently frozen due to various investigations in to alleged illegal activity, you can't buy any of that right now. HOWEVER: you can still send us money to help us "STOCK up" our company, and in RETURN, the Amalgamated Humor family of products will still be around to amuse and delight you and your family for generations to come. Gee, that really sounds better than actual stocks, doesn't it?
Q: Who do I contact for donations?
Just mail your checks into our corporate office attention: donations department.
Q: No, I mean: who do I contact about Amalgamated Humor GIVING donations?
I think you mean "whom."
Q: OK, fine: WHOM do I contact about Amalgamated Humor GIVING donations?
Amalgamated Humor has already committed all the funds it needs to to achieve the maximum tax break, so we won't be taking additional solicitations at this time. Some of the charities we support: PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of ABBA), Seeing-Eye Dolphins (for blind swimmers), The Roddy McDowall House, Strippers Without Borders, Unicyc, and the Amalgamated Humor Foundation.
Q: Of what exactly is Amalgamated Humor an amalgam?
Besides your dearest hopes and dreams, you mean? You can learn the whole store here
Q: When are we likely to see a turnaround in the this humor recession?
Amalgamated Humor is as worried about the current comedic downturn as the rest of the world. Between the funhouse crisis and high unenjoyment rating, clearly something has to be done - and soon. That's why we'll be pressing congress to immediately pour trillions of dollars into America's two leading mirth-producers: 91% to Amalgamated Humor, Inc. and 9% to Bazooka Joe Comics (that cyclopean bubblegum-addicted adolescent is a hoot and a half!)
Q: What does Amalgamated Humor do to help protect the environment?
You know that old saying, "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime?" At Amalgamated Humor, we feel like the same could be said about the environment. That's why we're teaching the environment to defend itself! Right now we're giving the environment judo lessons on Tuesday nights. Also, we're teaching it to fish.
Q: I'm an ice cream sundae - what kind of toppings would you put on me? (We're looking for The Dating Game style questions, right?)
No, that's not at all the kind of questions we're looking for (but for the record: rainbow sprinkles. Tee hee.).