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Are you being executed? Is your local Wendy's working with the police and health department to stop you from playing soccer? Sounds like something worth discussing on our message board.

Manifesto From Some Guy On the U-M Quad In Ann Arbor, MI

"My situation is terrible. Some organization has had me executed and I have not done anything wrong!! Simply Terminated... Executed... Eliminated How can they get away with this?? They have my entire body wired with electric wires, cables, and filaments."

What the heck is this?
Above is the first paragraph of a four page document that serves as the manifesto for a young man who believes that he has been tortured for the past several years by various organizations and has had various electronic devices implanted into his body against his will. Or, as he puts it so simply:

"The Health Department had me terminated."

Who's involved in the conspiracy?
1)Ford Motor Company
2)US Army "excluding the other branches of servics"
3)Wayne County Health Department
4)Wayne County Sheriff's Department
5)Fast food industry (Burger King, definitely; Judgement on Wendy's is still pending)

Are these agencies involved in a sinister cabal?
So, what's been done to this guy?
"They now have my entire body chained with electric chains, and the cremation process is well on its way... they 'cabled' my jugular veins in summer of 1984... they have halfway amputated my legs so that it is difficult to play sports... [Ed. Note: The person who received this document said the young man has both legs and was walking around just fine] ... They got me the Freddie Krueger brain implant which definitely causes brain damage." And other things too numerous to mention here.

In terms of composition, how would you rate it?
As a lunatic rambling, not bad. It's not up there with the meticulous ramblings of Ted Kazcynski, but it gets the point across effectively. He identifies the parties responsible, what they did to him and when and ends with a poignant yet confusing paragraph which is supposed to give the reader something to chew on.

Now, as a straight piece of writing, not so good. Grammatical mistakes can be found throughout, there are run-on sentences, sentence fragments, the list goes on and on. If there's one lesson I could pass on to the crazy manifesto writers of America, it's this- The message isn't everything. Make sure the basic mechanics of good composition and style are in place, or no one will take you seriously.

How can I get a copy?
Hang around the diag in the middle of the University of Michigan's Ann Arbor campus around mid-afternoon and hopefully our friend will come up to you and offer a copy. If that's a bit inconvenient, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
Crazy Guy's Manifesto
c/o Cap'n Wacky
PO Box 7033
Ann Arbor, MI 48104