BY LEONARD PIERCE, CALAMITY JON MORRIS, DUNCAN PFLASTER, BEN FLASTER and GUTBLOOM
ROSE KENNEDY: Opened, viewed or otherwise made physical contact with the Ark of the Covenant.
BOB DENVER: Got off the island, the hard way.
AUDREY MEADOWS- fatal accident while constructing rocketry for lunar travel.
MAMA CASS: Piano falling from a honey-baked ham factory.
SHEL SILVERSTEIN: Eaten by a lion, after insisting that he be first in line.
JANIS JOPLIN: Hit by a Mercedes-Benz.
ETHEL MERMAN: Avalanche.
Frank Sinatra- Exchanged glances with a stranger in the night, who promptly stabbed him.
G.G. Allin- old age/natural causes.
JIM CROCE: Messed around with Jim.
FRED ASTAIRE: Accidentally crushed to death by a quickly closing umbrella during a complexly choreographed dance number with Cyd Charisse.
OSCAR WILDE: Poisoned ... BY THE WALLPAPER! DUNH DUNH DUNHHHH!
ORSON WELLES: died during apoplectic fit occassioned by recording frozen carrot commercial.
JESUS CHRIST: choked to death by vengeful fig.
KAREN CARPENTER: gagged on a chunk of Mama Cass.
JAMES DEAN: narrowly avoided car accident only to be felled the next morning by food poisoning, brought on from eating undercooked breakfast sausage he mistakenly believed was made especially for him.
BELA LUGOSI: Lupus.
WALT DISNEY: Eaten by mice.
RONALD REAGAN: Nuclear war.
KURT COBAIN: Shot by angry fan after making crossover single with Lil' Kim.
JOHNNY CASH: Killed just to be watched dying.