By DUNCAN PFLASTER, BRODIE H. BROCKIE, JUSTIN VIDOVIC, and BEN FLASTER
(but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?)
Ice Cream fights.
Santa trades thick, baggy red suit for tiny, bulgy Brazilian Speedo.
Building grassmen in the back yard.
Stores start putting up Christmas in July decorations around mid-March.
Trimming the palm tree.
Religious types constantly reminding us that Christmas in July isn't just about presents and candy, but is REALLY about... uh... Jesus being six months old... or is it about Jesus being a three-month-old fetus. I don't know. Something Jesusy anyway.
"I'm Dreaming of a Warm and Balmy Christmas"
TV specials in which adorable clay figures of beloved holiday icons slowly melt into an unrecognizable goo under the hot summer sun.
Santa driving a boogieboard pulled by eight tiny dolphins (leave out cookies and tuna for them).
The "warm your heart" Christmas romantic comedy summer action blockbuster starring Arnold Shwarzeneger, Hugh Grant, the girl next door, lots of happy children, a dash of Christmas spirit, and TERRORISTS.
Summer blockbusters: "Batman Begins Christmas Shopping," "Spiderman vs. Abominable," and "The Fantastic Fourth Day of Christmas"
Instead of annoying Christmas songs that no one actually likes playing in all the stores: annoying Beach Boys songs that no one actually likes.
Combining Christmas with 4th of July to remind us that Jesus is really American, but not in that Joseph Smith kinda way.
Nativity scene brought to you by Hawaiian Tropic and Hooters
Hallmark, realizing their plan is halfway acheived, begins the push for the quarterly Christmas.
Jewish parents have to start giving their kids presents during Tisha B'Av so their kids don't feel like freaks at school.
Revising the Bible to say that the Last Supper was actually a pig roast.
Jesus Sandals allowed in church, preferred even.
Introduction of Spiccolius, patron saint of beach volleyball.
Longer days/shorter nights mean Nerds are even more indignant about the laws of physics being violated by the supposed feats of Santa Claus.
Wassail sun block.
Well, since they're doing Christmas in summer, maybe they can have the Winter Olympics in summer too, but with more warm weather-based games. Hopefully it'll be as popular as the Winter Olympics.