By RJ White, Leonard Pierce, Calamity Jon Morris, Brodie H. Brockie, Ben Flaster, Sheldon Baker, Ryan N. Wilcox, David Andrews and Sui Generis

James Doohan, forever known as Star Trek's Scotty, died earlier this week and newspapers across the Galaxy raced to print variations of the headline "Scotty Beams Up... To Heaven." Here, however, are suggestions for other ways to announce Doohan's death, most equally lame.

He Couldnna Take No More

Bones Fails

Famed 'Della Reese' Curse Claims Another

'Trek' Ends for Beloved Scotsman

TVs 'Chekov' Dies

You Can't Change the Laws of Nature, Captain.

Homeboys in Outer Space Co-Star Dies of Complications from Alzheimer's

Set Phasers to Sad

'Trek' Actor Doohan Joins Finger

Faux Scotsman Eats Last Tribble

Set Phasers to Creamate

Path Cleared for Rising Career of "Welshie"

Ben Stiller Seeks New Best Friend

Jack the Ripper Mystery Finally Solved

Dead Fat Man Other Than Orson Welles in the News

Title of 'TV's Most Famous Canadian' Reverts to Alan Thicke

Doohan dies, Shatner One Step Closer to Possessing Nazi Treasure

Chief Engineer Kangaroo Dies

Subhead: Search Begins for Someone Else to Play Bagpipes at Service

Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!

Doohan It to Death

New York Post headline: SCOTCHED!

Nichelle Nichols: "The Long Nightmare of Drunken Passes and Late-Night Phone Calls is Finally Over"

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon Rented for the First Time

Slight Alteration Made to Script of Star Trek XII

Khan's Wrath Claim's Another of Kirk's Closest

Office Dead Pools in Turmoil

Obituary Template First Prepared 1994

Death of Star Trek's Doohan Knocks Rove Scandal Off Front Page

Still Mourning Jim Aparo, Nerds Sustain Double Whammy

Scientists To Examine Effects of Long-Term Exposure to Dilithium Crystals

He's Dead, Jim; Get It?!