By RJ White, Leonard Pierce, Calamity Jon Morris, Brodie H. Brockie, Ben Flaster, Sheldon Baker, Ryan N. Wilcox, David Andrews and Sui Generis
James Doohan, forever known as Star Trek's Scotty, died earlier this week and newspapers across the Galaxy raced to print variations of the headline "Scotty Beams Up... To Heaven." Here, however, are suggestions for other ways to announce Doohan's death, most equally lame.
He Couldnna Take No More
Famed 'Della Reese' Curse Claims Another
'Trek' Ends for Beloved Scotsman
TVs 'Chekov' Dies
You Can't Change the Laws of Nature, Captain.
Homeboys in Outer Space Co-Star Dies of Complications from Alzheimer's
Set Phasers to Sad
'Trek' Actor Doohan Joins Finger
Faux Scotsman Eats Last Tribble
Set Phasers to Creamate
Path Cleared for Rising Career of "Welshie"
Ben Stiller Seeks New Best Friend
Jack the Ripper Mystery Finally Solved
Dead Fat Man Other Than Orson Welles in the News
Title of 'TV's Most Famous Canadian' Reverts to Alan Thicke
Doohan dies, Shatner One Step Closer to Possessing Nazi Treasure
Chief Engineer Kangaroo Dies
Subhead: Search Begins for Someone Else to Play Bagpipes at Service
Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!
Doohan It to Death
New York Post headline: SCOTCHED!
Nichelle Nichols: "The Long Nightmare of Drunken Passes and Late-Night Phone Calls is Finally Over"
National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon Rented for the First Time
Slight Alteration Made to Script of Star Trek XII
Khan's Wrath Claim's Another of Kirk's Closest
Office Dead Pools in Turmoil
Obituary Template First Prepared 1994
Death of Star Trek's Doohan Knocks Rove Scandal Off Front Page
Still Mourning Jim Aparo, Nerds Sustain Double Whammy
Scientists To Examine Effects of Long-Term Exposure to Dilithium Crystals
He's Dead, Jim; Get It?!