By Justin Vidovic, Brodie H. Brockie, Ben Flaster, Calamity Jon Morris, RJ
White, and Gutbloom
- Studies law books and courtroom records in an ongoing quest to find a
legal loophole around Wonder Woman's restraining order.
- Oh, just hanging around ... UPSIDE-DOWN! LIKE A BAT!
- Spends two days polishing giant penny with Watson's Giant Penny
"If it's giant, shiny and copper... You've used Watson's!"
- Cat Woman.
- Pencils in his eyebrows.
- Yells "QUICK! To the Bat Cave!" and slides down the bat pole. Just cause
- Runs allllllllllll the way up the stairs back to Wayne Manor. Then yells:
"Quick! To the Bat Cave!" and slides allllllllll the way back down.
- Irritates Alfred by running about the house knocking over lamps and
hummels and yelling "SMASH!" "BANG!" "CRASH!"
".... really, sir, I'm sure there's a crime going on SOMEwhere."
- Pretends to have an office job. "Alfred, have that TCP report on my desk
"Hey Alfried, look, I hung some personalized knick knacks on my cubicle
"Those are lovely, sir."
- Adds new things to his utility belt.
"Hey, Alfred, look. An I-Pod. I can put like 3,000 songs right on my belt.
And see this button here? It dispenses oreo cookies."
- Makes slight variations to his suit.
"Rubber nipples. ... .... too much, you think? I just thought I might need
to breast feed a stray cat or something."
- Cries softly. Because there are no other Bat Men in the wholllle world.
He's the onnnnly one.
- Cries a little harder because there's no Bat WOMEN either. There's Bat
GIRL, but she likes Robin. And there's CAT woman which is KIND of like a
Bat, but she's evil.
"WHYYYY does she have to be EVIL? And why oh why god do I have to love her
so much??? Why does it feel so RIGHT when it's so WRONG? Oh GOD I'm all
- Calls the Joker:
"I just thought you might understand how I'm feeling. ... I don't know.
Cause you're an insane clown. ... O.k., then because we're like two sides of
the same coin and there's only a very thin line that separates someone like
you from someone like me. ... I don't know, I read it in a comic book. Fine.
I'll leave you alone. Bye."
- Stands in front of the mirror and tries out different ways to drape his
cape around him to dramatically convey his oh-so-tortured soul.
- Repeatedly pesters Prince with his ideas about collaborating on a
"Batdance" stage musical.
- Daydreams about moving his secret crime-fighting headquarters to some
location that doesn't stink of bat guano.
- Thoroughly pours over every word of several prominent newspapers to see if
his name or Superman's appears more often.
- Tries to remember the names of former Robins. Wonders why they all hate
him now. The one's that aren't dead anyway.
- Applies for membership over and over and over again to the Teen Titans.
- Considers moving the whole operation to Portland.
- Researches copyright infringement suit against that wierdo Spawn.
- Listens to Joy Division
- Deep within the BatCave, unbeknwonst even to Alfred, there's a secret room
where he has bright summer colors and a Karaoke bar, with an emphasis on the
catalog of Justin Timberlake
- Intensive DDR training
- Tunes up the BatCamaro. Dude, this thing is going to be so fast when he
finally gets it running
- BatPilates, because fighting crime just doesn't seem to work those muscles
- Well, he's supposed to be meeting with the Mayor of Quahog, but it keeps
getting moved back. It's strange, I never see those two guys together.
- Paints tiny masks on his Hummel figurines.
- Pretends to conduct the classical music playing over the radio; uses
batarang as a baton.
- Stomps around the BatCave with Hulk Hands on.
- Packs a hot Bat-Lunch of tasty Bat-Soup and goes Bat-Skating on Lake
- Thinks about how he should've been picked to be a Green Lantern. I mean,
he's totally honest and pure of heart. And fearless? What do you think? I
mean, the gadgets and vehicles are nice, but that stuff is expensive to
build, let alone maintain. Do you have any idea how much gas the Batmobile
uses? And it's still not as fast as zipping around in a green force field.
AND he can take that into space whenever he wants. Man, that would be sweet.
Don't get me wrong, the bat-arang is neat, and the smoke bombs come in
handy, but I could make those and a million other things with that power
I mean Batman. He. Batman, he could make those things.
- Sits in the batmobile making "vroom, vroom" noises.
- Trolls the alt.gotham.evildoers message board.
- Dusts off the large set of bat tchotchkes he has in his cubicle.
- Thumbs through old issues of Chiroptera Today.
- Tries to echolocate Robin in the dark.
- Plays cribbage against the bat computer.
- Writes Superman fanfic.