By Leonard Pierce, Calamity Jon Morris, Brodie H. Brockie, Ben Flaster, and Manning Krull
Last week, Tom Cruise offered the following comment on Brooke Shield's use of Paxil to deal with her post-partum depression: "When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that." And, just for fun, added "I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented women,(but) look at where her career has gone." We asked Cruise if he had any other helpful advice to offer his fellow celebrities. The following are his responses:
ADVICE FOR MERYL STREEP: "I hear a lot of people say that, Meryl, she's a big star with success, critically. And that's good, it's good to have the criticality in today's world. The Oscars are good too, if you're into that sort of thing. But here's what it takes to become a real superstar and have the kind of success that is successful, successful success: that's underwear. How many movies has Meryl done in her underwear? No more than six, that I can see. I have so much respect for her but the time is coming when people won't want to see her underwear, visually, and that will be a tragedy not just for the world, but for everybody."
ADVICE FOR BRAD PITT: "Brad is a good friend of mine, and you can look at the stories of tabloids, where you might think I'm doing a jealous thing of him, but why should I be jealous? There's no truthfulness to that. I'm not short. My height is scientifically normal for a man my weight. Or gay. I'm not that either, I mean. My point is, when the media pressures on you and you're too tall, your marriage, the love aspects, can suffer. How could he have made it last? Do what I do: jump on a couch. Scream. Make faces. Shriek in Oprah's face. Katie's publicist tells me she loved that, and that's how I know our relationship will last, because we have communication. That's so important in a relationship, that your publicists communicate."
ADVICE FOR WERNER KLEMPERER: "If I can attribute one factor to my superstardom, it's this: aliveness. I cannot, and will not, scientifically or economically, overstress the importance of being alive to the career success department. If I had to pinpoint one place where Werner went wrong and I treasure Werner, I do it's dying. It's bad. Badness is in it. As a career move, it's got bad nature, and I think it was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly what will fix things; the damage has been done. But I'll tell you this: it can't hurt to look into Scientology. It has lessons to teach us all, and if you're dead, you're almost at clear anyway."
ADVICE FOR BRUCE BANNER: When I hear people discuss you situation, and your "forced" transformation, I think there is a lot my belief system can offer you. The supposed gamma ray exposure that causes you to turn into a green raging beast, there's no real base for that. But, scientifically, you can show that a person's emotional state affects their physical state, this is known. It's about realizing the control you have over yourself and your path in life. Also, it's about vitamins and crystals to restore the balance within you.
ADVICE FOR HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN: I bet you could use a massage. I could help you with this.
ADVICE FOR KELSEY GRAMMER: Kelsey is clearly a an actor who is very gifted, talented, but he also has a problem that is holding him back from achieving pure success in the career field: baldness. It's been scientifically proven that actors will full heads of hair have higher box office totals - fact. I'm concerned that Kelsey may be attempting to treat his condition with one of the chemical or pill-based treatments out there rather than focusing the power of his self-actualization like a bright beacon through the top of his skull. Headward. That's what I do and I have lots of hair and make more money. Bang!
ADVICE FOR STEPHEN HAWKING: 75 million year old alien ghosts, sent by galactic warrior Xenu and infused with false memories have filled your mind with the self-doubt that is keeping you in that chair. If only you were as smart as me, you could focus your thought-rays into a glowing reflection of you that would pick you up and rocket you toward movie-stardom and dating women over 15 years younger than yourself. I only say this because I care about you. Also, those glasses are out of style. If you can't focus your energy to cure your vision, at least get some contacts.
ADVICE FOR LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Try pointing both index fingers forcefully at people more often when acting. I built a career on it. That's Science!
ADVICE FOR OPRAH WINFREY: Let me consume you.
ADVICE FOR THE STORM CLOUD COLORED IMPS WHO PARADE ATOMIC RED HOT GLEE THROUGH MY BRAIN IN PURSUIT OF MY SECRET BLISS MACHINE THAT I MADE WITH HELP FROM THE GOVERNMENT: "You know, when the burning secret organism of the clockwork universe passed its immaterial hand through the soap bubble film cavity of cocoon casket rocket launch of universal truths and origins, the inevitable energy orgasm bubble of pure flaming truth opened the wave form allegory engine that pumped pure fiery oil into my brain. Whooooo! Since 1962, I have been the recipient of secret service keebler cookie microwave radiation beams that have Hiroshima Dresden firebombed the precious fluids of my golden elevated temple of future generations. Hi Oprah! Hi! Hi! Seven thousand legionnaires upon burning steeds of a thousand heretofore unseen colors ride lightning blue hoofbeats upon the neural pathways of God-Machine-Time/Space-Buddha-AllOne in the cataclysm birth-death of all things that have in the Godeye been but a mote eternal infintessimal infinite. Hi! Please see me in Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds, Oprah! Hi! Thank you!"
ADVICE FOR NATALIE PORTMAN: "You should wear more blue. Blue is a positive color, and it's strong for your eyes and hair color. It will accent your lovely smile."