"Damn it. One of the kids left the door open when the air-conditioning was on... BUT WHICH ONE?"
"Why, Grandma wasn't murdered after all! She had just gone to the store for some prunes! I guess we've all learned a lesson about jumping to conclusions."
"You know what? I'm tired. I think I'll take a nice, relaxing nap."
"Okay, well, I'm just going to sit here for a couple of months until you come back."
"The real killer is [very, very long pause] Bob Richards. He just confessed. Well, that takes care of that. Guess I'll head home now."
"I TOLD you you couldn't run faster than Carl Lewis. Sorry to waste your time, Carl."
"Don't tell, Lorelai. I'm not really going to D.C. this summer. I'm going to Sin City to whore myself."
"I'm sorry to inform you the city is closing the hospital. But I'd like to hire you all in my brand new Karaoke Bar."
"Wow. I guess that means everyone in this law firm has been killed except me, William Shatner. Well.... I better get to work. These small claims cases don't solve themselves."
"Well, it's been really great jumping the shark with you all."
"The heart surgeries around here have been piss-ant and you KNOW it! So while you were sleeping I chopped off your hands. Let's see if THAT improves your work next season, Mr. Hot Shot."
"He finally asked her to marry him. Do you think Jennifer Lopez will say yes?"
"Wow. Three years of unbelievable sexual tension. Then we did it in the closet during that commercial break, and now I feel nothing. See you at lunch tomorrow."
"The heart surgeries around here have been piss-ant and you KNOW it! So I've put your brain into the body of a cute little bunny rabbit. Let's see if THAT improves your work next season, Mr. Hot Shot."
"Wow. Three years of unbelievable sexual tension. Then the chief-of-staff put his brain in the body of that rabbit. And now I want him more than ever."
"God, that was a good poop."
"Oh Lt. Columbo! I've wanted this for so long! Oh yes! *smack* *smooch* *smack*"
"Sally, maybe we've got to come to terms with the fact that my feet are NEVER going to stop smelling this bad."
"Wow. I guess that means all the people on this ocean cruiser have been killed except me, William Shatner. And since there's nothing left for me on shore, I guess I'll just take 'er out to the open ocean and see what happens."
"I'll certainly sleep well tonight, knowing all of my questions have been entirely answered about the recent goings-on."
"Sydney, I have to tell you something. I'm not your father. Those two ladies aren't your sister and your mom. You're not related to anyone on this show at all anymore. We just work together as spies for the CIA, that's ALL. What did you think this was, Spy Kids?"
"*cough* *gasp* You've got to... no. No! Listen to me. I don't have much time. *cough* *gasp* This is the only chance we've got. I KNOW what we agreed to, but this IS extraordinary circumstances. Do it. Now. For both of us. For all of us ... Filibuster."
"Do my eyes deceive me, or did this woman just give birth to a litter of puppies?"
"No, we are all dead. Absolutely dead. I've made sure of it. I even burned the corpses and shot them into space, and now it's time for me to go. I'm going to put this extremely large handgun to my head and using my perfect muscle tone and incredibly steady hand I'm going to pull the trigger and have a 45 caliber bullet run right through the middle of my brain. BLAM!"
"You're right, Helen, I'll never sleep with another woman in this town again. My rutting days are over... because, you see, I seem to have lost my penis."
"OK, everybody, the meat loaf's ready... OR IS IT?"
"The fall comes to an end, the sow returns to her den to spend another winter deep beneath the Montana snow, soon it will be spring and the cycle of life will.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."
"You see, Starett, the fortunes of the McGreggor Family are tied to the land. We'll be rich as long as people want land... land to raise their families on and follow their dreams. Of course, a spike in interest rates could adversely affect our bottom line. Why, just a couple of points could make us sell McGreggor Manor, the yacht, and the Bahamian Condominium where our sons carried out that vile murder that you and I so easily covered up by paying off Inspector Stargell. But you don't have to worry your pretty empty head about that, Starett, interest rates will never rise. Never in a million years. Not with that high level moron we put in the White House. No, baby, we're as safe as safe can be."
"Good thing there are a lot of movies I want to see this summer, because I hate watching TV reruns."