By Brodie H. Brockie, RJ White, Ben Flaster, Duncan Pflaster, Anne Moloney, and Justin Vidovic
JEDI MIND TRICK 101 (Prof. Tingo): In this introduction to using the force to control the minds of others, we start small by attempting to convince people to do things they would probably be inclined to do anyway (like treat themselves to ice cream or skip church on Sunday and just watch the pod races).
JEDI MIND TRICK 233 (Prof. Jerniz): This intermediate class moves you on to influencing people into doing things they would probably normally not do (such as wake up their angry boss to talk to you or ignore droids you are transporting even if they are looking for them). We'll practice on the weak minded (captured soldiers, matre des, fans of popular country music).
JEDI MIND TRICK 400 (prof. Gallia) - This Advanced class will teach the Jedi to influence others to do something they would normally never do (such as getting wookiees to take a bath for a change or a hutt to stop eating for maybe five minutes, am I right people?).
IWS 217. Introduction to Wookie Studies (prof. Secura). Introduces students to orientation, methodology, and key concepts to the study of the Wookie homeworld.
LIGHTSABER PANACHE (Prof. Gillard) - Add unnecessary spins, flips, rolls, and many more useless, but cool-looking moves to make your lightsaber dueling technique much more flashy and exciting.
WHOOPING 300 (prof. Kenobi): Violence can sometimes be avoided by scaring off potential enemies by mimicking the noises of wild beasts and monsters. We'll learn the call of the Krayt Dragon, the scream of the Aklay, and yell of the Rancor. Final exam will consist of visiting Tatooine and making Jawas run their lives.
SEMINAR- Our Midichlorians, Our selves (Prof. Yoda): Young adult Jedis are especially vulnerable to the Dark Side during their age of sexual development. Prof. Yoda tackle such topics as body image, sexuality, contraception, and improper use of Jedi mind control.
FORCE MOVEMENT 101 (teach. asst.): First-year students will learn to use The Force to move basic objects- pencils, paper clips, blasters. Note: Lab fee does not include cost of materials.
FORCE MOVEMENT 201 (teach. asst.): Expanding upon the 101-level course, students will concentrate upon moving larger household objects- kitchen appliances, office furniture. Note: Lab fee does not include cost of materials.
FORCE MOVEMENT 301 (teach. asst.): Students will move large boulders. Note: Boulders will be provided.
COMMUNICATIONS 200 (Prof. Yoda): Important, it is, to communicate always in clearest of possible ways. Trouble you can cause if clarity you lack. Learn you I will how to always make clear what you wish to convey so as not to accidentally enrage or insult strange aliens. Hmp. Be not afraid, for good teacher Yoda is. Good teacher.
PLNT 300 (prof. Fisto) - Advanced Survival Techniques (Ice-planet Hoth specific) Students will learn how to use tauntauns for warmth and shelter.
ENGIN 231- Lightsabers (Prof. Feinman): Principles of Light Saber construction, maintenance and repair, to be taken in concurrence with Engin 232.
Engin 232- Lightsaber Lab (teach asst.): Students will construct and demonstrate their own personal lightsabers. Students are expected to maintain their appropriate number of limbs throughout the course in order to receive a passing grade.
ART DESIGN 300 (Prof. Windu) - Modifying your lightsaber to reflect your personality and style. There is a whole rainbow of colors out there beyond just blue and green. Does a plain chrome hilt communicate your individuality? Search your artistic feelings.
HAND/ARM CHOPPING 400 (Prof. Mundi): Cutting off hands and arms is always the surest way to disarm and opponent. Get it? Disarm! Hilarious! Seriously, though, you'll love chopping arms off of things, it's so satisfying when an arm just plops down on the ground. PLOP!
HAIR 330 - Buns & Beyond (Prof. Organa-Solo). It is not enough to be a sassy, with-it young lady in this man's galaxy. To truely command respect, you must have ridiculous hair. Space-steel reinforcement beams not included in class fee.
AGRC 101 - Moisture Farming (Prof. Skywalker). What? I'm teaching WHAT? But I was gonna go into Tosche Station and pick up some power converters!
SOC 250 - Fuzzy Racial Stereotyping in Entertainment Media (Prof. Binks). Delve into the hate that permeates our social structure as made manifest in superfluous, vaguely racist characters in popular culture. Er, I mean... en populeesa cultureesa.
JUNIOR YEAR AT DAGOBAH - Students will have the opportunity to spend a year splashing around in a swamp, living in a cave, and getting really muddy. Students who succeed in these tasks by the end of the year will have the honor of descending into the cave of darkness and kicking their own ass.
JUNIOR YEAR AT HOGWARTS - Only students with a 3.7 midicholorian level or above will be admitted. No mud-bloods please. Students must reside in dorms and will be placed in one of four houses by a talking hat. Just go along with it. Direct applications directly to Hogwarts care of Professor Snape.
CLA 210 -- The Jedi, Psychoanalysis, and the Hero's Quest (Profs Skywalker and Pendragon) - Don't let falling in love with your mom and murdering your dad surprise YOU! This course will cover such basic hero concepts as recognizing your elderly advisor and his gift, taking good care of the 'friends' who will accompany you on your quest, and recovering from your trip to the underworld. Frequent class discussions are a part of the course and students will be expected to talk about and share any heroic experiences... including and especially any weird feelings we have about our sisters.
NER 101 -- NERF-HERDING FOR BEGINNERS (Visiting Prof. Han Solo) Students will learn how to royally piss off Princesses and still get them in bed. Stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking students are encouraged.
ECON 101 -- SPICE-SMUGGLING IN TODAY'S MARKET (Prof. Jabba (of the Hutts)) An investigation of the economic factors determining consumer behavior, production, pricing, and market structures in a partial equilibrium framework. Theories of distribution, welfare criteria, and general equilibrium are examined. Students who do not study for quizzes will be encased in carbonite.
RECOGNIZING THE SITH (Prof. Tin) - Learn what subtle signals to look for when determining if a Jedi has turned to the dark side. Sure, we all know about the red lightsabers and blue lightening, but did you know another sign of a Sith is bad tipping? More insights like this await.
Master Classes in the Force: